Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers: The Perfect Moment

Published on by Yinglan

photo-20161121154638229

“Come on, we’re going to be late.” David said, helping Laura into the car and running to the driver seat.  

“Where are we going?” Laura asked as David peeled out of the parking lot.

“You’ll see, it’s a surprise.” Laura folded her arms across her chest. She hates surprises and it was something David knew perfectly well.

“Not funny.” Playfully, she punched him in the arm.

As they ascended, the trees began to thin. At the edge of the forest, David pulled into a pullout. “Come on!” He said excitingly. Laura followed and when he finally stopped, she knew what he meant by “late”. It was the most beautiful sunset she has ever seen. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Laura nodded. David took a step back and got down on one knee, on his palm was a black box. “Laura, I can’t think of spending the rest of my life with anyone but you. Will you…”

“Yes!” Laura wanted to scream but it seemed she’d lost her ability to speak. Shakily, she held out her left hand.

(~175 words)

I am participating in Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writer, where we write a piece between 100 and 150 words (more or less 25 words) in length inspired by the photo prompt above. 

29 thoughts on “Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers: The Perfect Moment”

  3. Hiya, I offer critique here on WordPress to combat the usual generalised comments you receive on this site, but also to take a moment out of my day to help my fellows with some of my thoughts and opinions.

    Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I have, just like everybody else, no idea what I’m talking about.

    Overall: sweet story, with some minor mistakes. You’ve got a good grasp on narrative, and dialogue (almost.)

    I’ll do some line by line edits, and sum up at the end.

    “Come on, we’re going to be late.” David said, helping Laura into the car and running to the driver seat. ”

    “Come on, we’re going to be late.” Well. It gets to the point. I’ve got to admit, though, it doesn’t tell me much about your character. It’s not very personalised dialogue. Very simple, but this isn’t immediately an issue.

    “Where are we going?” Laura asked as David peeled out of the parking lot.

    Again, I suppose the dialogue gets to the point, but at this point you’re beginning to fall into an age-old cliche. Of course she asks where they are going. I mean, of course she does, but it would be really nice if we had something a little different here. Just something to set your character apart from every other character that has ever said “Where are we going?” in literature, film, television, music, etc. Not so sure about David “peeling” out of the parking lot.

    What does a car do when it peels? I don’t know, haha. I guess it’s an evocative image, but maybe there’s another word that would fit better.

    “You’ll see, it’s a surprise.” Laura folded her arms across her chest. She hates surprises and it was something David knew perfectly well.

    By this point, you are in cliche-land. “You’ll see, it’s a surprise.” Yes. I’ve heard that one before. Still in this very basic dialogue form, nothing too exciting, nothing too unique, nothing too different, YET it does move the story forwards. I can’t fault you on that.

    You flip into the present tense here with “she hates” where the rest of the story is in third. If you want to keep a consistent narrative voice I’d go for “she hated.” Simple remedy for a simple mistake 🙂 It is some characterisation, which is nice, but again it seems a bit simplistic. This is like narrative dialogue plucked out of a “how-to” dialogue book.

    “Not funny.” Playfully, she punched him in the arm.

    I think you’ve got your syntax all messed up here. I think these two sections would be better laid out like such:

    Playfully, she punched him in the arm. “Not funny.”

    She hated surprises and it was something David knew perfectly well.

    Just a suggestion, because you’re getting your action mixed up with your dialogue. Because of the way you’ve laid out your sentence, following “It’s a surprise,” Laura crossed her arms, it makes it seem like Laura is the one who said “It’s a surprise.”

    Just, again, a small detail, easily fixed. Nothing major.

    “David pulled into a pullout.”

    Haha, avoid repetition like this, although it did make me smile. Even, David stopped at a pullout. Or really, avoid this entirely. It’s not necessary detail.

    “Come on!” He said excitingly.

    This should be on it’s own line.

    It was the most beautiful sunset she has ever seen.

    Again, you slip into the present tense. It would be “she had ever seen.”

    The rest continues in the same fashion. There is more to critique, but it’s basically the stuff I’ve covered already. Your use of the words “excitingly” (which should be excitedly) and “shakily” are weak ways of conveying emotion which could’ve been shown through more evocative dialogue.

    Overall: you can write a story, with a drive, mystery, chance and dialogue. You must now improve on these things, individually. I’d recommend trying to write dialogue in a play-form to improve your conversations, or listen to people on the street. In terms of cliches, I’d just think, every single time you write something down, whether you’ve heard it or not before.

    Chances are you have, so change it a little, be a bit unique in your story.

    Thanks. Hope you didn’t mind my harshness. I am only here to help.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  13. Pingback: FFfAW Challenge – Week of November 22, 2016 – A Writer's Life

Leave a reply to The Showers of Blessing Cancel reply