#WeekendCoffeeShare: Where I’ve been…

Published on by Yinglan

Good morning, it’s been a long while since I’ve done this. If we were having coffee, I would offer you a cup of the limited-edition-roasted-chestnut coffee made from my brand-new coffeemaker. I prefer it black with no cream and no sugar; sticking to my 2020 goals.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you a lot has happened since we last chatted and I think it’s about time to share because since I resurfaced in the blogging world, I haven’t shared what’s been going on with me during the last 6 months.

Basically, my life hasn’t been as rosy and brightly lately. In fact, it’s been a couple of dark months.

My mood was up and down and I was slipping in and out between episodes of depression and anxiety and fear. I honestly didn’t know what was going on with me and I had no one to turn to.

The darkest months were October to December. Going to work was the only thing that made me feel better (for lack of a better word). Those 8, 9, sometimes 10 hours workdays became somewhat of a solace for me, a brief respite to all the craziness at home.

Meanwhile at home, I was an emotional roller-coaster as anger, frustration, and sadness dominated my very core. I was responsible for 7 peoples’ needs and well-being. For example, when my aunt is sick, it became my job to call the office manager to get an approved sick day.  My cousin needs to register for classes, it’s my responsibility to make sure he gets into all the right classes even though I had no idea what classes he needed.

I told them to ask my mom and in cousin’s case, an adviser. You know what they said? “We’re afraid of her.”

They’re afraid of my mom and guess what, I got in trouble for helping them.

I stopped helping them after I got blamed when something went wrong. I said, “Suck it up and ask my mom for help. I’m tired to treading on thin ice and getting blamed for every tiny thing.”

Little did I know the worst was yet to come.

In November, my mom’s tenants suddenly left. She wanted to sell the property at once but her youngest sister wouldn’t budge. So day and night, my mom complained about how it was a mistake to put her sister’s name on the title of the property and how her sister was spoiled and selfish. Everyone is selfish in my mom’s mind.

She was like Ebenezer Scrooge – constantly bitter – and the Grinch – stealing the happiness of everyone around her.

One morning in November, she discovered I was creating a Will and I was leaving her only 40% of my asset. She wanted 100%. What kind of mother wants that? Was she expecting to outlive me?

She took the joy from Thanksgiving and  celebrating Christmas with her bitterness and drama. By Christmas eve, I was feeling like I couldn’t wait for this holiday to be over but just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it got worse.

My mom brought up the Will again while we were at my aunt’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. This time, she also mentioned of all the debts I owe her. “I will repay you,” I said.

“What about your life?” She said. “You are indebted to me for giving you life.”

It took less than a second for those words to sink iin. “So basically, I will never pay off my debts unless I die.”

“Careful,” my aunt warned with a glare.

Without another word, I grabbed my jacket and purse, headed to my car, and drove. I wanted to drive for as long as I could, to ignore the rainstorm, to just drive. Who cares what will happen to me? Like my mom said, my life is my debt.

For just the briefest moment, I wanted to cry. Who cares if someone’s watching? I just want all that sadness and crappy feelings from the last few months to flow out of me. No tears came though, not even a single drop.

So I ended up sitting in my car in the middle of a near-empty parking lot, watching the large fat raindrops peeter-patter on my windshield. I needed to  talk to someone. “Let it out,” part of me said. I pulled out my phone and called what might be the only person that would understand my situation.

Almost 2 hours later, I returned home that night feeling lighter, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The most important thing I learned that night was my life is my life. It’s not anyone’s collateral.

If we were having coffee, I would thank you for sticking around to hear this story of my life and if I didn’t scare you away with this story, come back soon for the next edition of #weekendcoffeeshare.

28 thoughts on “#WeekendCoffeeShare: Where I’ve been…”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear what a difficult time you’re having with family. So often it’s the people that are supposed to love unconditionally & have our backs that are the most toxic. Your mom obviously has issues that probably go back to her own upbringing. Keep your trusted friend close & reach out when you need to talk. Is therapy an option? Just as you felt relieved unburdening yourself to your friend, a trained counselor could help even further in dealing with your mother. I left a bad family relationship and found self-esteem & peace. I hope you can, as well. Take care of yourself.

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      1. It’s easy to put off, because the thought can be intimidating. However, I’ve been there and with the help of the right therapist you can find wisdom & strength to make positive changes in your life. Part of that is understanding the other person and learning to deal with them in a way that doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself. It can be a real game-changer. I wish you all the best…You deserve it!

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  2. It’s difficult to separate yourself (emotionally and psychologically) from family who acts like this sometimes, but it’s worth the effort. I hope you continue to find healing and peace as you put yourself first.

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    1. Thank you. When I called my friend from the parking lot that night, she thought I was crazy to drive when I was feeling like this. She said almost the same thing, “depression and anger are destructive.”

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  5. Oh Yinglan, I’m so sorry for you and wish I had words to fix it or at least comfort you.

    I doubt those cruel words from almost anyone else would have cut so deep, but from you mom….

    Mothers are uniquely empowered to nurture or hurt us and I think your mom is some how broken. A healthy mom does not act like this in any culture, or country or situation.

    Please try to put any kind of distance, physical or emotional, between her and you. Something is wrong with her and as her daughter, you are vulnerable. You are not the person she is trying to make you into.

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    1. According to my friend, my mom might have burdened too many things upon herself that she might be breaking or already broken under the enormous pressure especially now that her family is here and it turned out they don’t know how to do most of the things she had hoped they have at least learned before immigrating to the U.S.

      Believe me, I’m frustrated at times but I’m also constantly being reminded they are not as educated as me and my mom. I don’t know why she must always remind me of that and then get doubly frustrated herself. It’s not like she didn’t know that before. She grew up with them, after all.

      I have been keeping distance, or at least trying to for the past year but she kept pulling me back into her grasp. I honestly don’t know what to do sometimes, run away? I’m tied down by a mortgage, who knows what kind of devious scheme she would pull which might result in ruining my credit score? I’m definitely not the person she’s molding into and I wish she would stop trying.

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    1. Thank you, it’s good to be back. I thought that by pausing my blog, I would have more time to spend with the family and try to build a relationship with them but by cutting off blogging, I lost my only avenue to express my emotions and it became worse. I wish you a happy 2020 too. 🙂

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  8. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety so much lately. It sucks that your family situation is so awful too. That sure doesn’t help. I can relate in some ways.

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  10. Thanks for sharing. Any situation is given for us to grow. As it looks like in your situation, your current lesson is about discovering and improving yourself in two directions (or “two sides of a coin”): 1) Empathy for people who seem unbearable but have their reasons for it, their own burden in souls and lives; 2) Self-empathy and care, so that you defend your space, time and private life.

    There is hardly any good in trying to get things done for people who ought to learn to fix it by themselves. Nor in cutting yourself from your resources (blogging, in your case): who wins from you losing nutrition for your soul? — things only get messier.

    Let the coming year be a period for you and your family to make peace with yourselves and each other.

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    1. I’m glad, too, to have someone to talk to that night, otherwise, I might really had a major emotional meltdown. I felt like my friend sorta talked me off the ledge (figuratively) that night and I am so thankful to have her in my life even though she’s on the other side of the country.

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  12. The journey of life sometimes isn’t the journey we hope for, but to find solace and some form of happiness within the twisted confines of an others harrowing time, is the miracle and motivation of how bright and glorious tomorrow can be. All religions hold the one key that make them work, with belief you can have the Mecca of happiness, with belief you will be saved, and such is life, such is the glory of what is and can be, for if you look forward to the glory of what tomorrow could be, then you are halfway there.

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