I feel like religion is one of those topics I talk about the least on my blog. It isn’t that I’m an atheist and don’t believe in the existence of a God (which I do), it’s just I was taught that religion is one of those taboo subjects that should not be talked about unless you really know your stuff, which I don’t.

I was baptized as a Christian in 2018 but to be honest, I should’ve been baptized much sooner since I’ve been going to church since I moved to the US but, somehow, my mom wanted me to wait despite inside, I felt I was ready.

I believed in the existence of a God from a very young age, when I was still living in China, where people had to attend underground churches to practice their faith. I remember going to an underground Christian church once. It wasn’t really underground. It was just in a non-descript location. I was still quite young and only have vague memories of the place but it was dark and we sat in rows of benches. Thinking back, I think it was more like a Catholic church.

After moving to the U.S., I attended various churches of the Christian faith – Christian, Baptist, and Methodist but after moving to Utah, I stopped, mostly because I couldn’t find a church within walking distance.

In 2018, when I hit a new low mentally and emotionally, being unemployed and emotionally tortured by my mom on a daily basis, I started attending the Baptist church at the mouth of the neighborhood. I thought if I should seek solace from anyone, it should be with God.

And I did. I made some friends and began studying the Bible, starting with Genesis. I knew the basics of how God created the world but I never read the words and details. It was actually a fascinating read, like a story. I attended Bible study on Wednesdays and Sunday nights because though I went to church from a young age, I’ve never learned scripture.

In the summer of 2018, I decided to go for it – get baptized – it was now or never. Maybe it’s the co-dependency again but I somehow thought I didn’t want to be separated from my mom in death. Yeah, it’s definitely co-dependency despite being in a controlling and abusive relationship. My mind wasn’t as mature then as now.

I continued to attend church until 2020 when the pandemic hit. Church became online via Facebook or YouTube but it’s not the same. It was weird for me to belt out church music acapella in my living room.

Then in early 2021, things changed again. The pastor was moving away. I’ve liked his sermon. I liked that he used PowerPoint slide and spoke as though he was telling a story, not to mention he tried to relate the scripture to life. Listening to his sermons, I found the words in the Bible relatable as opposed to a story that was written long ago in ancient grammar and languages.

I’ve stopped attending church because of the new pastor. His sermons didn’t speak to me the way the other pastor’s sermon spoke to me. I also felt that he’s more about marketing – trying to get people to come to the church than the actual scripture. It doesn’t mean I’ve stopping practicing, though. I still believe. I still pray. It will only be a matter of time before I find a church I like and attend again.