Friday Thoughts


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Losing a Friend


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Avoidance


I thought I would be okay now that the nightmares have subsided. I thought I would be okay to drive to my doctor appointment on Friday (two days from now).

Maybe not because I find myself stressing out just to step into the garage. I can’t even go into the garage to retrieve some insect powder for the garage. For some reason, every time I put the thought of “go to the garage” in my head, my brain would automatically override the thought with another like “walk 1000 steps” or “watch TV”.

I have already reschedule the appointment for next Thursday and part of me want so much to reschedule Friday’s appointment. You can’t, a voice says firmly. Friday’s appointment is a dietitian/counseling appointment and I need to talk to somebody who understands what I’m going through. Maybe then I can have the strength to get back on the road.

Curiously, I googled “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms” and one of the symptom that came up was “avoidance” and it includes:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

I remember when I went grocery shopping with mom on Sunday. It took all my strength to hurl myself into the garage and into my mom’s car. The house key was in my pocket and when we returned, I entered the house through the front door instead of the garage.

My mom didn’t understand this. She doesn’t understand I can’t stand to look at my car – the missing fender, the hole in the door, all of it. She doesn’t understand about PTSD.

I have been in accidents before, none was my fault, but I couldn’t recall having such a strong reaction as this time. I was able to step into the garage. I was able to get in the car and get back on the road. Why is it so hard this time?

Meanwhile, mom isn’t making this easy. Not only does she keeps talking about it, she’s saying it’s my fault that I got into an accident which prevented us from taking a trip to Cheyenne, Wyoming last weekend and possibly any trip in the future because of the deficit I’ve spent on getting the car fixed.

She also wants me to call the auto body shop and ask them to give me a quote to add blind spot detection to my mirrors. I don’t see why I need it. It was never a problem and I don’t want it to be another crutch for me to rely on. To be honest, I hate all the gadgets cars have these days and I’m glad my car doesn’t have features like lane departure and blind spot detection because it makes us more distracted and reliant on these feature instead of focusing on the road and drive.

I emailed the person who did the quote for my repairs but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet and I doubt he will. His business card is in my car and given my current dilemma, I don’t know how I can retrieve it.

This will take a while…


Please note that this is quite a long post. I won’t be offended if you skip this one.

Physically, I’m fine but mentally, I feel like I’m once again at a breaking point. It will certainly be a while until I’m truly comfortable driving again…

Yesterday was supposed to be a day of fun, a day which I head into the forest once again to seek solitude, a little time to myself, and to enjoy nature but it looked like someone had another agenda for me.

This week has been a series of unfortunate events with the biggest one of them all on Thursday.

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A New Lens!


My mom once said my dad is living through me via a camera but I think it’s the other way around.

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Higher Power Intervention?


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Hello March!


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Monday Thoughts – Emotional Stress


It’s been a while since I’ve shared any thoughts on a Monday…

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Lunar New Year 2022


Photo by Elina Sazonova on Pexels.com

I woke up to a flurry of messages on my phone from my relatives in China and the annoying bunch near me. Happy New Year, they all say.

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Hello February!


January is gone? What happen to it?

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Welcome 2022


Well, the time has at last arrive, 2021 is in the past and 2022 is the present.

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Monday Thoughts


This doesn’t feel like a Monday to me. Maybe because I don’t have to work this week. I am sorry to those who does, it must feel awkward to work even a few days if you have two long weekends in a row.

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Tuesday Thoughts


Wow, I can’t believe it’s here. Today marks my 20th year since I first stepped foot at LAX airport. So many years have gone by. So many lessons learned. It sure feels like a milestone. I feel I should write something but I did that in 2020.

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Monday Thoughts


According to Fitbit, my stress management score has been around 75 for the past week. Maybe it’s because work is just about the only thing occupying my brain these days. So much to bill, so many accounts to reconcile.

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Monday Thoughts


Maybe I’m just looking for trouble despite my muscles protesting yesterday or maybe I’m just stubborn.

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No Rest For Me


It’s once again Monday and I have a feeling this is going to be a rough week.

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Mixed Bag of Thoughts


Photo by Lux Graves on Unsplash

Thought #1

I probably slept more last weekend than I had in a long time.

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Monday Thoughts


This Monday has been brutal so far. I didn’t want to get up this morning and the moment I did, I wanted to curl back under my comforter. It was so cold and I was so tired. I wanted to turn on the heat but mom was having hot flashes and sweating like crazy. She even had the windows open. It’s 40-some degrees outside, come on!

Is this what it feels like after a 56-hour work week? I’ve been working overtime every week since I started but never have I worked on a Saturday. I think being mentally strained is worse than being physically strained.

And of course, having a mom and family like mine, God forbid I should have one day off. My aunt dragged me out yesterday to have me take her to work and buy two boxes of cup noodles for her on my way home. Of course, when I visit a big box store, there’s no way I would ever make it out with just 2 boxes of cup noodles. I ended up getting some batteries and 2 gigantic (27 gallons) storage containers for my garden stuff.

They looked big at the store and even bigger in the back of my car but when I started putting stuff in them, they were smaller than I thought. I might need one more…or two.

After all of that was done, I was so tired and sleepy even though it was only 2 PM.

That’s what I get for skipping my morning coffee…

I barely dozed off when mom woke me up to help her plant some roses in the front yard. No, it’s the ones I propagated last week. They are these beautiful petite rose bushes from her house – the one she refuses to live in.

I ignored her for the first 15 minutes or so but to be honest, I was so tired I couldn’t even open my eyes without them automatically shutting less than 30 seconds later. She stomped her feet – boom, boom – and shouted, “do you know how much pain I’m in? I only do this for you, you know. If you don’t want to do it, fine, do ask me to do anything else for you again.” She stormed off, muttering angrily beneath her breath.

I should’ve replied, “I didn’t asked you to do this, you know,” but that would dredge that conversation from a few weeks ago which ended with her throwing something across the room, nearly missing my head. I didn’t see what it was because I was outside and out of harm’s way by the time what ever it was landed with a thud.

Anyway, I should return to work now.

Monday Thoughts


Today is going to feel so weird. First, I had a meeting at 7 AM, that’s early for anyone. I mean, if it’s still dark outside, then it’s either too early or too late. Unfortunately, the host of the meeting is super busy and that’s the time he has for the meeting.

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Monday Thoughts


Mondays are always hard (well, no duh!) especially when one forgets that she set a vibrating alarm on her watch and it goes off right on the dot. This alarm got me jumping out of bed this morning despite being sore all over. It put me in panic mode and I hate it.

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Monday Thoughts


I was glad to see the sun be back to its yellow shining self this morning despite still seeing a little bit of haze linger in the air.

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More Monday Thoughts


Can somebody say Deja Vu?

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Monday Thoughts


I was heading to my work’s break-room this morning to rinse my water jug and cup when I saw this.

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