Reflecting on the Moment

Published on by Yinglan

For once, I have run out of words.

Of course I still have thoughts, lots of them, more than anyone can count but somehow, none of them are real. All of my thoughts lately have been of fantasy, nothing I can really put down in a reflection post. I think it’s because I have studied so much that I just want to escape this world altogether.

The good news is that even with what I deem as a failed final, I still managed to passed my two hardest classes this semester. This means I can finally stop worrying and hopefully, my “failing grade” nightmares will be temporarily cured, at least until next semester.

I think right about now is when I’m supposed to tell you about the bad news. I wouldn’t call this bad news per se. I would call failing and having to re-take classes bad news but this, I don’t really know what to call it. I have had this kind of thoughts for a long while now and it’s never bothered me as much as now. They are very disturbed and dark.

I think these thoughts might be a product of my personal and family dramas because in the recent weeks, I feel like I have come so close to crossing that line between sanity and insanity.

Maybe it’s school or the fact that she is still unemployed but mom’s been a little emotional of late. She’s happy one minutes and angry the next and the scale of her anger is both annoying and frustrating. I often feel like I’m on a never-ending roller coaster ride. Up and down, up and down, when will it end. Maybe that’s what’s causing those thoughts to pop up but since she had finished her finals, I’ve seen some improvement in her mood. I don’t know how long they’ll last though.

At the moment, those thoughts are bugging me. I want to say them out loud but at the same time, I’m afraid of being judged. Are those thoughts too immature? Maybe that’s why I’ve decided to post them here since I have a more supportive community than in real life. So here I go.

My dark and disturbed thoughts are that I’ve been envisioning myself throwing things (knives, darts, arrows) at a wall and at times those thoughts can become me screaming and punching a hole in the wall. 

Now that I’ve spoken them out loud, I feel like these thoughts shouldn’t have existed. I feel selfish for thinking those things because these thoughts make me look like I’ve been ungrateful for the things I possess in life like a good home, clothes, food, and bed.

Maybe I’ve misinterpreted my thoughts. Maybe these are just thoughts of frustration. Maybe it’s just a way my brain is telling me that I have overloaded my system with work, study, and mom’s personal drama. Maybe those thoughts are like a warning system, letting me know when I’m going to blow but for now, all I hope is a peaceful holiday.

Thanks for reading. Before I go, I like to share these black and white pictures from my Instagram.

Instagram

18 thoughts on “Reflecting on the Moment”

  1. You’ve said a lot even though you claim to lack the words 😉 How old is your mum? Is it possible that she is menopausal or peri-menopausal because this can cause a lot of emotional grief for some women. Some even get all teary, suicidal etc so as her child you also need to talk to her instead of lashing out and find out what the problem could be. You are her family and should be supportive. Let’s hope it passes very soon. More grace to you.

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    1. I know! I really surprised myself with this one.
      I have a feeling you might be right about my mom. She’s about 50 and I do want to talk to her if only she wants to do the same. She can change the subject at the drop of the hat and it’s impossible to change back to the previous subject. I have tried to be supportive but seems like she’s making it an impossible task for me to do.

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  2. Yinglan, in general I have had un-disturbing dreams, mostly funny, pleasant, and enlightening. But two times I have had “nightmares” that have stayed with me. One was in the mountains behind a cabin owned by my folks. I dreamed I lay down on something comfortable, but it turned out to be a bear! Sort of funny now, very petrifying to me then! The other was more serious and I have always hated it. Don’t know that I have ever told it before. But for your sake. Probably in my adolescent years we hung clothes on a clothes line where they blew in the breeze. A comfy, down home feeling, right? But one time I dreamed it was my mother who was hanging on that line. I don’t know if I hung her there or how it was that she was there, but it has always horrified me that I would have had that dream. My mother was kind and good, but she did speak sharply to me at times – never with cursing or anything like that, but truthfully I seldom thought I was really quite up to par for her. And I believe it had something to do with my displeasure with myself because I was overweight. I felt ugly, My mother was a seamstress who dressed me quite well in comparison with other girls. But I do know she would say something like, “let me measure your arm to see how big to make the sleeve.” Because of my feelings about myself that would come out painful to me. If I could have told my mother, I thought she would have probably said something dismissive like, “don’t be silly.” So I didn’t talk about some things that seem petty to me now but were painful then.
    The years have passed, she is long gone. Mostly sweet memories. But I wish I had talked more, and listened more. I wish I had cared about the pain she had about herself, if she had any. I wish I knew why she always covered her mouth with her hand when she smiled. Her gums were unhealthy and she lost her teeth fairly early, but her smile and teeth were pretty to me. How about how she felt? Long comment but I want you to know, most of us daughters have had love/hate moments with our mothers, my opinion only not scientific data.

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  3. You have every right to feel like you do. Your mother does not sound like an easy person to live with. I think she manipulates you a lot with guilt and other means. She may be going through menopause but that shouldn’t be an excuse for her erratic behavior. She also may be bipoloar. it would be great if you both had better communication but that will only work if she sees you as an adult and not a child. Communication only works when people are respecting each other as an adult. Not as a parent to a child. Years ago when I was having to live with my mother, I had to take a lot of long walks to get away from her.

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      2. Then I have a feeling she doesn’t want to mend our relationship because she laughed in my face when I told her I went to counseling a couple years ago.

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      3. Your mother sounds selfish. Try not to let her laughing at you about going to counseling bother you and keep you from going because they will help you cope while you are living with her until you can get out on your own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a therapist. She needs one the most. It is her loss.

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      9. Good to know, I have been worrying about you. Don’t hesitate to call a therapist if it gets bad again. You are always welcome to write to me, but if you are uncomfortable with that, at least go see someone.

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