Since this week’s theme is Writer’s Choice, I decided to do an evaluation of my progress on my Word of the Year. Back in January, I chose my word for 2023 to be HEAL – healing from mental and emotional wounds that’s constantly being opened and closed by the hurtful words and negativities around me, healing from past trauma, and healing to move on.

It’s now been nearly eight months since those goals were made and I’m sad to say I’ve made little progress. I guess some wounds take longer to heal than others.

There have been days when I felt like things are going to get better while there were days I wondered how I would make it through. There’s only so much insult, so much negativity a person can take before there’s a breakdown and I don’t ever want to breakdown. It’s much too scary to imagine what would happen otherwise.

I have been practicing meditation when I can but it’s been difficult. Actually, it isn’t difficult, it’s utterly overwhelming because of the bajillion thoughts that would cycle through my mind when I’m trying to count my breaths. I would find myself buzzing and jittering even during a 5-minute meditation.

What’s happening to me? Is it the anxiety? Is it the constant stress of my attempt at self-improvement to please others? I wonder if it would make a difference if I’m not meditating in front of a computer. What if I go somewhere away from civilization? Would I be more relaxed and have an easier time meditating? Or am I just one of those individuals that has the inability to meditate?

Mom recently told me the reason she wanted to adopt a child was because I am her “failed investment.” How does that make you feel if you’re told you are a failed investment? She said I have lower return than a stock. So I’m like a what? An item? A property? A company?

The whole reason she wanted to adopt a child was to make him/her into a better version of me, someone that would obey and listen to her and does whatever she asks.

With that, my healing journey is right back to square one.