Avoidance


I thought I would be okay now that the nightmares have subsided. I thought I would be okay to drive to my doctor appointment on Friday (two days from now).

Maybe not because I find myself stressing out just to step into the garage. I can’t even go into the garage to retrieve some insect powder for the garage. For some reason, every time I put the thought of “go to the garage” in my head, my brain would automatically override the thought with another like “walk 1000 steps” or “watch TV”.

I have already reschedule the appointment for next Thursday and part of me want so much to reschedule Friday’s appointment. You can’t, a voice says firmly. Friday’s appointment is a dietitian/counseling appointment and I need to talk to somebody who understands what I’m going through. Maybe then I can have the strength to get back on the road.

Curiously, I googled “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms” and one of the symptom that came up was “avoidance” and it includes:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

I remember when I went grocery shopping with mom on Sunday. It took all my strength to hurl myself into the garage and into my mom’s car. The house key was in my pocket and when we returned, I entered the house through the front door instead of the garage.

My mom didn’t understand this. She doesn’t understand I can’t stand to look at my car – the missing fender, the hole in the door, all of it. She doesn’t understand about PTSD.

I have been in accidents before, none was my fault, but I couldn’t recall having such a strong reaction as this time. I was able to step into the garage. I was able to get in the car and get back on the road. Why is it so hard this time?

Meanwhile, mom isn’t making this easy. Not only does she keeps talking about it, she’s saying it’s my fault that I got into an accident which prevented us from taking a trip to Cheyenne, Wyoming last weekend and possibly any trip in the future because of the deficit I’ve spent on getting the car fixed.

She also wants me to call the auto body shop and ask them to give me a quote to add blind spot detection to my mirrors. I don’t see why I need it. It was never a problem and I don’t want it to be another crutch for me to rely on. To be honest, I hate all the gadgets cars have these days and I’m glad my car doesn’t have features like lane departure and blind spot detection because it makes us more distracted and reliant on these feature instead of focusing on the road and drive.

I emailed the person who did the quote for my repairs but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet and I doubt he will. His business card is in my car and given my current dilemma, I don’t know how I can retrieve it.

This will take a while…


Please note that this is quite a long post. I won’t be offended if you skip this one.

Physically, I’m fine but mentally, I feel like I’m once again at a breaking point. It will certainly be a while until I’m truly comfortable driving again…

Yesterday was supposed to be a day of fun, a day which I head into the forest once again to seek solitude, a little time to myself, and to enjoy nature but it looked like someone had another agenda for me.

This week has been a series of unfortunate events with the biggest one of them all on Thursday.

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Higher Power Intervention?


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Blogging Insights #28 – Blogging Purpose


This week on Blogging Insights, Tanya from Salted Caramel provided the following quote by Ron Dawson:

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Blogging Insights #25 #Bloganuary – Carpe Diem


I am going to pair this week’s Blogging Insights with the Day 11 prompt for Bloganuary. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

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#Bloganuary Prompt Day 8 and 9


Day 8

What do you like most about your writing?

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#Bloganuary Prompt Day 7 – Laughter is the best Medicine


What makes you laugh?

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#Bloganuary Prompt Day 5 and 6


Day 5:

What is something you wish you knew how to do?

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Blogging Insights – New Format #24


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #24, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #23


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #23, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #22


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #22, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #15 – The Metaphorical Faucet


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #15, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #12


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #12, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #11


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #11, the following quote is given:

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Friday Thoughts


It has indeed been a rough week, second week in a row. I was hit by anxiety attack after another. I felt like I just need to get in a corner and cry until whatever hell storm I’m in is over.

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Blogging Insights – New Format #9


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #9, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #6


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #6, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #5


On this week’s Blogging Insights – New Format #5, the following quote is given:

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Blogging Insights – New Format #4


I haven’t done a Blogging Insights in a while and definitely haven’t done one under this new format:

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Weekly Thoughts #2: In One Ear, Out the Other


It never ceases to amaze me to find out I’ve been ignored this whole time.

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Blogging Insights – New Format #3


I haven’t done a Blogging Insights in a while and definitely haven’t done one under this new format:

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Weekly Thoughts #1: Useful Not Useless


I am starting a new series, one where I can share some random thoughts I have been having each week. For this inaugural post, I’m titling it “Useful Not Useless”.

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Blogging Insights – Blogging During the “Thing”


This week on Blogging insights – hosted by Tanya at Salted Caramel – asks:

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