WQ#47: Endurance is what makes us stronger

Published on by Yinglan

It’s been…three days. Just three days but it feels like an eternity has gone by.

It’s been eye-opening for the most part.

This is the first time I am alone for an extended period of time where I have a steady income and no need to do any homework assignment. I was alone for about a week in 2018 and about a month back in 2010. I don’t feel like I’m the same person as I was back then – physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think it’s true what people say – “with age comes wisdom.”

It’s funny, in the days leading up mom’s departure on her trip to Japan, I had all these plans and things concocted in my brain where I would go out to eat, try some local restaurants. So far, though, I haven’t gone anywhere since the day I dropped mom at the airport except to the grocery store on the way home. The rest of the family seem to think different as they would call me during work hours to make sure I was home.

Today – Friday – will be my first time out of the house.

I’ve been cooking every meal, and eating my meals at quarter to 5, although my meals are a little different than the meals she usually makes. Maybe mom’s essence is contagious and has rubbed off on me. Or maybe it’s that 50% of shared DNA.

The only annoyance has been, while I was trying to work – taking care of emails and billing out all the transactions before the holiday break next week – the rest of the family has been coming for help with things they wouldn’t dared asking for help when mom was here. It’s almost like they’ve been waiting for this moment to get their stuff sorted out.

But back to me…

The last three days have been eye-opening to me because with the sudden absence of the constant stream of noise coming from Mom’s YouTube binging, it has really allowed me to think and truly see myself as the kind of person I am, to get to know myself a little better.

Who was I before? Who am I now?

I’ve been spending so much time trying to dissociate myself from my mom that I didn’t realize how much we’re alike despite she would often say the opposite. I didn’t realize this until I was doing dishes last night. As I was wiping the kitchen counter, I realized suddenly that I was wiping the counter in the same manner as mom, even though if she was here, she’d tell me I’m doing it wrong.

As much as I am like her, though, I am not her. I cannot be her just like she cannot be me. I haven’t lived her life nor had she lived mine. We both endured our own separate traumas and are made stronger individuals.

23 thoughts on “WQ#47: Endurance is what makes us stronger”

  2. Yinglan, This is such an inciteful piece. I think it is hard to live in the same house 24/7 with anyone. When Vince’s sister lived in our house, I went nuts, not that I didn’t like her, or even enjoy her company, but the noise factor got to me. I think it is curious that your mom sort of protected your time from relatives needing help. When I was single, living alone after my first husband died. I didn’t have anyone running intervention for me. It was exhausting. That was one reason I married so quickly after my husband passed away. I needed a bulldog. So to speak. Sorry Vince. You wouldn’t think he is a bull dog if you saw him, but he’s very protective. 🙂

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    1. It wasn’t that she protected me in any way from her relatives. It was because she alienated everyone by treating everyone like, well, how she treats me. Her siblings became afraid of her. They would often ask me if my mom’s home before coming over and when I told them she’s not home, they would bring a pile of mail over for me to read. You would think after almost 5 years in the U.S, they would know how to read a bill or differentiate between junk mail and real mail.
      Honestly, though, I don’t blame them. It’s the reason I’m so afraid to ask for help from anyone. My mom would give a big lecture before giving help and it makes anyone hesitate before asking for help again.
      I’m curious, what was the “noise factor”? Did Vince’s sister listen to loud music? YouTube videos? Or was it talking too much?
      When I went to counseling on Friday, I told my counselor, “I thought I was crazy or something.” Because of the bombardment of noises, I was jittery, restless, and kept having illusions of horrible scenarios. It’s actually lessened since mom left. It’s amazing what silence can do. It can either drive a person insane or bring clarity to a person on the precipice of insanity. 😄

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      1. The noise isn’t awful, but she is alone a lot, so she likes to talk, watches tv, plays video games watches videos. Vince and I are both pretty quiet, so it’s just different having another person in the house.

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      2. Ah, I understand. For me, the noise level got to the point where I lost interest in watching TV because I couldn’t hear anything over the YouTube. Fortunately, I recently discovered my FireTV stick can connect to bluetooth and noise-cancelling earbuds, on they went. I don’t mind people doing their own thing but they should at least be mindful that they are not alone and should consider others.

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