Monday Thoughts – They don’t know me

Published on by Yinglan

Just to preface…

I have been putting off on broadcasting this thought on my blog but this has been screaming on repeat in my brain that I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know why I would have this thought but I suppose anyone would probably have this thought at some point of their life.

Anyway, this can classified as somewhat of an existential crisis so be prepared…

Here is the thought that has been floating in my brain for the last couple of days. What if I cease to exist one of these days? I’m talking about the word “death” here, before my mom and my uncle and my aunt’s time come to an end on this earth nonetheless.

Would they treasure my belongings? Would they know where to look for my financial information? Would they even know how to get into my laptop to look?

I was feeling angry when I had this thought. I was angry because I feel like no one cares about what I want and what I like. It’s like I’m alone yet not alone in this world. That kind of feeling makes a lonely existence in this world.

Each time I try to do something I want to do (i.e. gardening), they all would try to discourage me from doing said thing and each time I try to say something in my own house, I get shushed unless it pertains to them. Every day, between my aunt next door stomping on the floor in the room next door and her phone buzzing every few seconds and my mom blasting Youtube all day and all night long, it’s extremely hard for me to feel peace and quiet under my roof.

What makes me more angry is how my mom makes me memorize all the passwords and personal information for her and her siblings but she’s never once asked about the password to access my computer. How would she access my passwords and computer? Hack it?

It would be something interesting to see for sure.

Also, it seems like I’m only visible when I’m needed but when I’m not needed, I’m completely invisible. Then, when I’m invited to certain places, I would feel as though I’m a pet on a leash. When it’s time, I would be “reined” in by either everyone calling my phone at once or my mom shouting my name.

To be honest, I feel like I can be lying in a ditch somewhere and no one will know I’m gone until they need me to do something for them. Yes, this so-called family is that selfish. I don’t know why I’m still here. I should’ve been gone a long time ago. If that was true, I wouldn’t be having this kind of thoughts right now.

24 thoughts on “Monday Thoughts – They don’t know me”

  2. Oh, sweet girl, I am sorry. Have you considered therapy?
    You need to talk to someone about all this. Please think about it.
    Sending love and holy light.
    Keep writing.
    ❤️🥰❤️

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    1. I went to therapy 3 years ago, didn’t really help. These days, I can’t even get out of the house without being questioned and doing therapy over the phone or internet is out of the question. So I guess I’m stuck.

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      1. You could just leave, although it would require a huge effort on your part. Hire a little studio somewhere, take up painting. Go there when you need to “work” 🙏🥰🙏

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      2. I’d imagine my phone would go mad with messages and phone calls, but very true, I can just leave but would have to be the drop-off-the-face-of-the-earth kind of leave.

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  3. Yep… This is the existential questions that everyone asks at some point. Pretty normal. But there’s an East Asian cultural conflict that adds to the issue for you with group identity. I think Sasha’s suggestion is worth considering. It might give you a chance to look at yourself from a different perspective.
    Peace and good cheer to you!

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    1. I’ve been wanting to give therapy a try but just couldn’t find the privacy. I got interrogated because I have a doctor appointment, so imagine getting the same treatment when I have to leave the house every week because it isn’t like I can do it at home.

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      4. Don’t tell anyone at all. Just go and come back. You don’t have to answer questions. Put phone on silent.

        Start practicing not answering questions now. I don’t want to talk about it. That’s all you need to say.

        Imagine how creative you would become without the critics.

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      5. I have been practicing for years now, it’s very hard when you try to ignore someone and they decide to scream in your ears when they’re not getting the attention they want.

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      6. I know. I really do.

        Try listening to some Sam Vaknin. It’s not easy even then. It may even grieve you, break your heart, but I found I could love my mother just fine if I lived in another house. The further the better.

        It really demands eloping with yourself and going no contact or contact when you choose. I wouldn’t suggest this if your well-being didn’t concern me.

        Sometimes just understanding the nature of our mother is enough to help us cope with the behaviour, but you are sound abused and controlled and that can’t be good long term. I think you have invested enough time.

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      7. I don’t think I am the only one that’s been “abused” by my mother. She emotionally abuses her siblings as well but unlike me, they don’t have live with her, except, well, her youngest sister.

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  5. Sorry you are feeling this way. Remember, you have many friends in the blogging world. Have you ever considered getting your mom headphones? We use wireless and wired ones in our house so we can hear only what we want to hear.

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    1. Thank you. I think that’s why I blog, because I want people to know my side of the story.
      I did, a wireless pair, adding to the 2 pairs she already has but she never uses them. I have a great pair of noise cancelling headphones but somehow, I still can hear her videos. It’s like she’d turned it up.

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