Troubled Thoughts [Part 1]

Published on by Yinglan

I’ve tried putting off this post for as long as I could and it’s become very bothersome. I’ve tried distracting myself with reading, catching up on my favorite TV shows, and even day trips with my grandma and cousin but none had helped. I only found myself constantly clenching my teeth trying to control my thoughts and actions. Then when I close my eyes to sleep at night, the same thoughts still plagued me and most of the night, I’d be trapped in nightmares surrounding those troublesome thoughts. 

So here I am, writing down and letting go my troublesome thoughts…

My aunts told me that if my mom didn’t quit her teaching job in China, she would had retired last year with a large sum for her retirement each month but instead, she had to quit because of me. Then she had to take a government position because of me and because of me, she also had to quit that position in order to pursue a new life in the U.S. These four words seem to be everyone’s favorite, “It’s because of you” and it makes me want to scream and throw things across the room. Why is everything done because of me? How could I had told my mom to quit her jobs? I was a baby back then. I couldn’t even speak. So why am I to blame for the misfortunes?

What if my mom didn’t do those things? What if she didn’t quit teaching? What if she stayed in China?

Would I be alive? Probably not. I would probably be dead at a young age due to my illnesses.

Would I become this high-strung person who’s constantly trying to please everyone? Someone who when asked what I want, my response would always be, “Whatever makes you happy?” Probably not. Everyone’s favorite words probably would not be “It’s because of you.” There probably wouldn’t be anyone blaming me for the events.

I don’t understand why my aunts think they need to “take care of me”. Why I need to seek a husband from my grandma’s village so I’ll have a man to care for me, so I won’t have to work, so I’ll have a large house to live in? There are a ton of things wrong about this picture. After the experience I had last year, the last thing I want is to be dependent on someone, anyone.

Still, my aunts think they need to “take care of me” because they don’t believe I have the ability to care for myself and that I’m high-maintenance. This is their favorite phrase, “You’re almost 26, take care of yourself.” I will take care of myself when you stop treating me like I’m five.

I’m not a baby. I have arms, I have legs, I have a brain. So what if I can’t drive car here? I can find my own transportation. It’s not like I’ve never taken a bus before. After all, I survived my first five years of college on public transportation. Also, I don’t need to be fed. I know they’re just being thoughtful but when I’m hungry, I will go find my own food. I have money and in China, that’s all it matters.

I feel like everyone around me is trying to fix me. Am I broken? Am I not living up to their standards?

I had a nightmare last night and that was what made me write this post. In the nightmare, every relative include the ones that had already passed on stood before me. They glared at me like I’m a failure. One by one, they came up and pointed out my flaws. “Look at your clothes,” one scoffed, “so old-fashioned and worn.”

“Look at your messy nest of hair,” another said.

“Look at all the pimples and blackheads on your face!”

I woke up with tears on my face. Okay, I’ve always valued truth and honesty but did they had to point it out like that? I know my flaws and I’m constantly trying to improve myself and I don’t need someone insulting me along the way, fixing me until I can’t even recognize myself. I don’t need that. I don’t want that. Why is everyone blaming me whenever something goes wrong? Or make fun of how I look? Or make fun when I fall?

I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just trying to be human and humans fall, they make mistakes. That’s what makes everyone different. I only wish people around me would see it and stop saying those four words. The past is in the past. Stop with the “what ifs” because no matter how many what ifs, it’ll never come true.

23 thoughts on “Troubled Thoughts [Part 1]”

  1. Aww… they are being typical! Be like the deaf frog and reach the top… people will talk no matter what you do… I have learnt that you can never live up to someone’s expectation… but you can always accept yourself as you are…take care!

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  2. Yinglan, maybe now you can see why your cousin suffers with depression? I think they are being rude and thoughtless and you need to ignore their words. You don’t need their approval. You are a beautiful and wonderful human being and your mother did what she did because she thought it would be best for BOTH OF YOU. Your relatives are just trying to find someone to blame and you are there so they are blaming you. They are trying to beat you down and don’t allow it.

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    1. Actually my cousin is from the paternal side family which compared to my maternal family, is so much better to me at the moment. I think his depression originated from his father’s death a few years ago. I know I’m not seeking anyone’s approval here but hearing my mother’s family say those words hurt me very much. I’ll trying my hardest to put their hurtful words out of my mind in the remaining days in China. Thank you for your comment.

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  3. I’ve had some similar situations. I was a really sick baby and my parents had to move “because of me”. Grew up listening to that. So I can somewhat understand what you are going through and how you feel. Even your mom did it all “because of you”. It is still not your fault. She did what she felt she had to do to protect her child. It was her decision not yours. Give yourself a break. It is okay for you get help from your relatives and friends. The hard part is deciding when you want it and you ask for it. Total independence is fine if that is your choice too. This is all about finding your own voice. Keep up voicing your opinions and your desires.

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  4. Hello, Yinglan. My heart aches when I read your post. Our culture sure has its wonderful and not-so-wonderful sides. Next time when you hear “because of you”, maybe you can proudly say “yes, I know I have a great mother”. Be happy how lucky you are for having such a great mother, don’t be bothered by what-ifs. People can say whatever they want to say, and we can interpret anyway we want. I know it’s not easy. It will become easier.
    >> … this high-strung person who’s constantly trying to please everyone?
    You also have to please yourself… My life has changed for better after I learned that I’m just as important as other people.
    Take care.

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    1. I agree about what you said about culture. There are flaws in every culture. There are no such thing as a perfect culture.

      However, I find it quite hard for me to please myself sometimes especially when others are calling my actions selfish. How is pleasing myself a selfish act? I often wonder.

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  6. You cannot make decisions for your mother, that she made or makes. Don’t think it was “because” of you rather I think part of her reasoning was “for you” it was her gift as your mother so you could have the right medical treatment and go to university and get a good job eventually. She wanted you to survive and live because she loved you. Do not let your relatives make you feel guilty, your mother was choosing what she thought was best for herself as well. You cannot be responsible for someone else’s decisions, only your own. There are always “ifs” in life. “If my mother had workecthis job etc.” But you know what, the “if’s” didn’t happen. Your past, that’s what happen and your mother knew going to the US would entail, if not realized them long ago. Instead of letting your relatives berate you think of how wonderfully blessed you are to have a mother who would sacrifice.

    And you do not need to find a village guy or any guy if you don’t want. You want to find the guy who loves you for you and makes you feel secure, like you can depend on him. If not you are right, better to be on your own, to help yourself. But I’m pretty sure you can find the right guy for you someday. You’re only 26, many of my friends did not marry or are not marrying until they are 30 and over.

    We all have bad days abs times and you are no more broken then anyone else. No one lives a carefree happy life for long. We all have things to deal with health wise and other, dealing with family etc. We just do the best we can, take it day by day, he willing to learn, and be willing to stand up for yourself when is necessary. You will be okay Yinglan. After all you are going back to the US and things will be quite different there I imagine.

    Best of luck. Praying for you. 🙏🏻💕

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  7. This is one reason I’m not fond of having kids. Parents need to stop blaming their children for their choices. As a mother, she made a decision. Saying it was because of you, I didn’t get X is a dumb thing to say. It wasn’t your fault, and they should have never said something like that to you. Remember, this too shall pass. Hang in there.

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  8. Pingback: Photo of the Day! | This is Another Story

  11. My friend, I do not know what faith you are but as soon as I read ‘because of me’, I thought of my own faith. I am a Christian, and I pictured my Savior, Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for my sins,that I could have true freedom and have eternal life…and I heard in my heart / spirit those words ‘because of you’ I died. BECAUSE of Love for me. So, I thought of your mom and her sacrifice, if you will, and her LOVE for you. I think that is wonderful to have such a mother. Love brought you here…be who you were meant to be, follow your passion…and keep writing. Shake off the words…move forward if you haven’t already. Your blog is rich and good…excellent One of the best I’ve seen. God Bless…Karen

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