#AtoZChallenge 2021 – I Often Have Doubts

I believe having doubts is a part of being human but as I grow older, I would often find my doubts be the driving factor of my day-to-day anxiety and hesitation.

Should I do this? Should I do that?

Am I being rude? Does he or she thinks I’m being mean? Believe me, I’m not trying to be.

Perhaps it’s my insecurity and lack of confidence that causes me to doubt my every action?

I think this “doubtfulness” thinking and behavior stem from my childhood days. I am the only girl in both my father’s side and mother’s side of the family. My dad’s brother and sister have sons. On my mom’s side, both her brother and sister have a boy for offspring.

Being a girl is tough because in a Chinese family, girls are always second-best. We are never the ones being spoiled. We are never the ones being praised. We are often the ones being criticized for not being pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough, etc. To say the least, I’m always in my cousins’ tall shadows. This makes me feel like I’m constantly in need of validation and it’s my job to please people and when someone is unhappy, it makes me wonder if I’m the reason for their unhappiness.

A few weeks ago, during my weekly team meeting, one of my co-workers pointed out she must be praised to know she’s doing a good job. My supervisor then turned to me, “What is your view on praises?”

I didn’t know what to say to that. After all, how should one respond when he or she is suddenly peppered by praises instead of criticism?

Um, thank you?

Theme: Of all the things I am

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