For a naively optimistic person, I worry a lot and about lots of things.
Some of my daily worries include whether I’ve done a task correctly, whether I’ve offended anybody today, whether something will go wrong today… It all goes back to over-analyzing things, I think, and the more I analyze a situation, the worrier I will get.
Believe me when I say “I don’t want to be a worrywart.” I hate that I’m this way. I hate that this has imposed endless anxiety on my emotions and life and I think my being a long-term worrier stems from these two things.
Growing up in a family that favored boys, I have little to none self-confidence. Growing up, I was often judged and criticized for the outfits I choose to wear, for my acne-scattered face, for my crooked teeth, etc. I cannot remember there was a time when someone did not judge my appearance or give me advice on how I can change my appearance.
Nowadays, I still get crap like “try being a girl for once,” or “I have never seen a girl so messy and untidy.”
Where did my self-confidence go? Down the drain.
I have a fear of getting things wrong because growing up in a family that has one (or more) person who explodes when things go wrong, one must tread very carefully. When I lived with my aunt and uncle, when something goes awry, regardless of whose fault it was, there would shouting, there would be banging, and there would be stomping of feet. Either my aunt or uncle would throw a tantrum because something didn’t go their way.
The thing was somehow, I was always the one to blame. I don’t know why. My uncle would often point at me and say, “because of her…” and then mutter something beneath his breath. It made me feel sad at the time and worried because I didn’t even know what I’ve done wrong.
Growing up in a what I call an “angry” household, where someone is always angry about something, it makes me worried that when someone’s angry, it’s my fault. I wasn’t born to be a people pleaser. No one is born a people pleaser but when the only ground to tread on contains lava rocks, a sane person would tread carefully because otherwise, one just might get burned.
Theme: Of all the things I am
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