I was writing a post a few nights ago when all of a sudden came a knock at my door. Before I could say, “come in,” mom entered and announced, “I can’t sleep.” What was I supposed to do? Should I had sung her a lullaby? Read her a story? Counted sheep with her?
She stepped around my bed, trying to peek to see what I was doing on my laptop. In response, my heart began to pound as I quickly navigated to another webpage. I didn’t know why I was so nervous to not let her find out I was blogging. She knew I have a blog. What’s the big deal?
“So?” I asked. “What do you want me to do?”
She didn’t answer. Instead, she moved toward the door but paused and asked, “how many years have you been in the United States?”
“Almost 21 years,” I answered, “so?”
“How awesome of a mother am I? Bringing you to such a wonderful country, how can you ever thank me? In the next life, you need to find me as your mother again, you understand me?”
In the back of my mind, I was rolling my eyes over and over and sighing. Not this again. This wasn’t the first time she’d said these words. She’d probably said it at least 2 or 3 times in the last week and let’s not count the number of times in 2022 alone. Where did she develop this sense of grandeur?
The next night, once again came a knock on my door. She couldn’t sleep again and wanted to come in to check on me. This time, I was crocheting, trying to finish one of the patches that makes up the motif for my project. Once again, she went on about how great of a mother she is, cooking my her favorite food and allowing me to pursue my hobbies.
Um, okay?
a) I kind of have to eat what she cooked because otherwise, it’s nothing at all. I haven’t purchased my own groceries in a long time because there’s simply no room in the fridge nor the house to house both of our groceries. That, and also, every time I buy food home, she’d have a look of disgust and betrayal like I’ve done something criminal.
b) I would’ve pursued my crochet hobby whether she approved or not. And no, she doesn’t really approve any of my hobbies. All of them, in her mind, are a waste of money. Hobbies are all waste of money, aren’t they? Their soul purpose is keep us entertained and from boredom, right?
But this sense of grandeur and self-importance? Say it once? That’s fine. Say it on repeat? That’s just annoying.
This is Another Story 
My late MIL had delusions of grandeur. She didn’t like me very much because I wouldn’t stand for her silliness, neither would I bend to her will. My late FIL liked me because of it!
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I think you’re courageous for that. My mom is trying to get me to be the same way but in the recent years, I’ve grown more resistant.
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Thank you.
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You’re welcome.
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As a mother I can tell she is trying to say, ” I love you so much. Life is hard. Concentrate. I want you to stay alive. And isn’t it great we live in freedom and peace? I would rather see you studying coding or anything to do with AI. I know crochet is pretty and you enjoy it, but I have learned there is no time to waste.”
The repeat is because she senses the end of her life and doesn’t want to die without doing her best to educate you. I know it’s annoying. Mothers only learn to shut up later. The things we want to say are learned from us by osmosis. And you will come to a point in life like my eldest who used to fight me on everything
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Honestly, I can’t see her thinking that or doing that.
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It may be that as mothers near the end of life, they tend to judge their children by looking through a lens that tends to focus on one’s very limited understanding of the myriad unseen facets of a child’s life colored by one’s unique paradigms, which is not unlike how children tend to judge their mothers.
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But she’s not even close to the end of her life. I do think she’s trying to mould me into her likeness though.
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You will end up saying, “I get it now, Mom.” And that’s the last thing we want is for you to get it because when you do get it, we know much personal quiet suffering is involved.
I know we can be over the top annoying, but we love you with all our blood. And to quote from the Joyluck Club, this feather comes with ally best intentions.” Love your mother while you may. One day you will find yourself inexplicably doing what she did. Odd things. And you will mutter under your breath, you can laugh at me mom. I get it now.
Love and LIGHT
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I suspect that it may not be accurate to paint an impression that is applicable to all mothers…or fathers.
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I agree.
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I expect you may be right. But I know a lot of mothers and so far, we are mostly the same. We are Last Chance Harvey mothers. We are oblivious of the effect of our timing and tone of voice. But mist of us mean well.
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I doubt that’ll happen as I’m not a mother and doubt I’ll ever be one.
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Perhaps she wants validation from you
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I doubt it as she feels she has too much pride to demand such thing from anybody.
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I think it’s her hidden desire.
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Now that I think about it, you might be onto something. She might be seeking validation and praise. I don’t think I’d be the one to give it to her though. She needs to seek it from someone else other than me because I don’t have any to give.
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She hasn’t been the mother you wanted so it’s hard for you to extend this courtesy to her. I hope things get better for you
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I feel like she was a proper mother for maybe the first decade or so, then she somewhat gave up. So yeah, it’s difficult for me.
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I understand.
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Give her the benefit of the doubt. I had a harsh mother and as I age, I get it. She loves you. I promise.
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Besides, what’s not to love. I love you and I don’t even know you. Blessings.
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Oh… I’m sorry. Family dynamics are so complicated. I came from a very dysfunctional family… I understand the pressure. My advice… Not that you asked for it… Would be to just let that irritating stuff blow past you like the wind. Don’t take it on or react… Just let it blow by. You can’t change each other. And keep breathing deeply… That always helped me too. 🌺
I hope you have a lovely week ahead🌺
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I will try. 🙂 Have a great week.
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Here is my take having raised three children who are all adults now. You guarded your privacy as is your right. Your Mum is curious about your life and she is still getting used to the idea of not being the most important person in your life, as she probably was when your were a young child. It sounds like she is trying to reassure herself and hopefully gain some validation. After raising a child, Mothers have to learn to let go and trust their kids to do the right things and live their life, and it is hard. harder for some Mums than others. It takes time. Is she the kind of parent that you can talk to about this stuff?
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I have been trying to get out from under her thumbs in the last many years but every time I’ve done that, she gained tighter control over me and made sure she remained the most important person in my life. I have no friends nor life because each time I meet a friend, she’d shoo him/her away.
I am guarded and often tip-toed around her because I don’t know how she’ll react at every moment. So, no, she’s not the kind of parent I can talk to about anything, never has been. She’ll either laugh in my face as I found out when I told her I have anxiety, or she’ll start shouting and yelling with no possibility of a rational discussion.
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You are living in a room with no doors or windows. I cannot imagine what it must be like, day after day.
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What an interesting analogy. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it like this. There are definitely days when it’s harder and some that are easier. It all just depends on the mood my mom’s in when she wakes up in the morning. I guess I just take it one day at a time.
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