I am feeling so out of it this week – mentally drained and tired – yet at the same time, my anxiety has taken the opportunity to rev up, making me feel irritable and overwhelmed, and making every moment of this week feel chaotic, like I’m messing up everything and can’t do anything right.

According to Fitbit, my stress management has been quite poor, with the score being upper-60’s to mid-70’s since the end of May. If you look at it from a school perspective, that’s a pretty poor grade. I know I was stressed and mom doesn’t make it any easier. My first stress is about needing to dip into my savings in order to pay off this month’s credit card’s debt but that’s done. I paid off the credit cards that contained my home and car insurance and the hotel reservations for the trip to Japan.

My next stress is next week. August 18, 2023 marks exactly one year since my car accident. That date has remained pretty infamous in my mind. This August 18 just so happens to be the department event.

The event is in Park City this time – at the Deer Valley Ski Resort – which is also near where I had the accident. I love Park City. It’s one of those places in Utah where I feel like I’m far enough away from home to feel like I’m on vacation, despite it only being a 45-minute drive. If I can visit once a week to get away from the chaos, I would. Unfortunately, my brain isn’t the type to shut up and move on. It’s not only been replaying the accident over and over, it’s been showing me worst scenarios – one after another.

Meanwhile, the new raised garden bed arrived yesterday. I’ve been preparing for this moment all week and my ever-so-imaginative anxious mind has run through hundreds if not thousands of scenarios of this moment. As always, mom asked what it was. “Why did you buy it?” She said when I told her what it was. “I said no.”

“I’ve already told you I was going to buy it.” I said.

Next, she asked how much it was. “Why do you need to know? I didn’t use your money to pay for it, if that’s what you’re asking.”

She went on, lecturing me about being selfish and not thinking about her allergies. My hobbies and I should not be blamed for her suffering. It’s not my fault she doesn’t go out. That’s probably what caused her allergies. Suddenly, she changed topics and said she wanted grass.

What?

She said I can’t have a raised bed because it will make it impossible to mow the grass. My whole reason for wanting a raised bed was to get rid of grass. Nothing grows in that area during the summer other than dandelions and that annoying bind weed, which it’s proven impossible to clear.

My plan is to put down a layer of cardboard to smother whatever’s in the soil before piling on several inches of compost to amend the soil. She wouldn’t listen to my plan at all, just complained about me ruining her health.

Last night, as I was pruning the plants in the garden, I suddenly found myself at the spot I wanted to put the new raised bed. It was just after sunset so sky isn’t as bright. Still full of frustration, anger, with a brain full of thoughts, I looked up at the sky and smiled, suddenly feeling somewhat calm in days.