My mom loves ham and all sorts of other meats.  When I first arrived in the United States and was in a car the very next day driving two days to my grandparents in Texas. On the way, as usual, my mom would find ways to tease me about food.  She talked about the ham my step-aunt bakes every Christmas.  I’ve never had real ham before in my life and her description just made me dying to try some.

In China, when you say ham, people would often assume you’re talking about SPAM (lunch meat).  So you can imagine my surprise when my mom slapped a thick piece of ham onto my plate at the Christmas dinner.  I turned a bite and almost immediately regret it. The meat was so dry and salty.  It took me forever just to get through a tiny bite.

I don’t know whether it was overcooked or what but it was the toughest and driest meat I’ve ever eaten next to a medium-rare steak which I later also tried.  Ever since then, I did my best just to avoid ham, that sweet salty tangy taste is still stuck in my mind today. Then Christmas, 2013, my mom suddenly had this urge to cook her own ham since her friend from California was coming to visit us for Christmas.  My fear has returned.

She bought a large Butt portion ham (at my request) from the market and baked it in the oven a few days later.  I was somewhat eager but scare at the same time.

Not even done slicing, she ate, making food noises and moaning to attract my attention.  After a few minutes, my curiosity took over and finally took a bite.  It was the best ham I’ve ever have.  “I told you so.” She said, shedding the ham bone and tossing it into the pot for some Chinese porridge.

Ever since then, she has been craving for more ham.  I was craving just a little too.  Last week, while we were at the supermarket, as usual, my mom stopped in the meat section to look at the ham.

“It’s on sale!” She told me, astonished.  I stood there, leaning against the cart while she picked two of the smallest ham.  Eager to try her luck again, she immediately unwrapped and baked it right after we got home. The other ham now rest in the freezer, awaiting for our ham appetite to come back.

Anyway, not long after it was baked and cooled, I eagerly took my first bite and was disappointed.  The meat was rather bland and tough despite what the label said, cured and seasoned with brown sugar.  The cut of the meat probably made a difference to the texture since I assumed it wasn’t a Butt portion ham. In the end, I still prefer the Butt portion.

Again, the bone was contributed to the Chinese porridge the very next day.  As I took in the very smell of ham porridge the very next day, my mouth just watered as I thought about how perfect it tasted last time.  Again, to my disappointment, even though the smell was strong, the taste was a epic fail.  It tasted like there wasn’t anything in there.  I needed salt! You shouldn’t need salt when eating ham!

For the next 12 meals or so, we had nothing but ham.  Ham Ham and more Ham!!!

You wouldn’t believe what a boring meat ham is until you have to get rid of a 9-by-13 pan full of ham and only know how to make a tiny bit of Chinese food.  The only four things I’ve learned this past week that ham goes well with, vegetables, eggs, porridge, and noodles.

“Finally!” I shouted, relieved as my mom poured the last bit of ham into the pan. I was so sick of ham and all that chewing was giving me a toothache too.

At least that’s what I thought until I looked closely in my hand-held mirror that night and found my gums completely swollen. This must be what I get for eating ham for 6 days straight.

My mom told me to take some ibuprofen, her solution to every pain, but I prefer not to rely on any type of pills.  After two days of rinsing with prescription-grade mouth rinse, the swelling went down a little. Thank god because I would had to wait two days before I could see my orthodontist and find out just what was causing the swelling. 

A little cooking tip: the cut of the meat matters! If you ever decide to cook a ham, get the Butt portion, that’s the best cut.  You can’t go wrong.  Read the label, don’t improvise and use the shortest cooking time available. If ham’s not done in the allotted time, don’t put it back in the oven, take it out and give it a few minutes to cook at room temperature.