The Day Before…

Published on by Yinglan

So today is the day before my tumblr_m28qdePmum1qe9g4mo1_500big test and tomorrow is the big day, the day when my hard work will hopefully pay off even though I don’t feel entirely optimistic at the moment. I have trouble focusing, you see?

I think I have anxiety issues. My mind is always somewhere else, worry about this, worry about that. Not the thing I want to hear before a test. It just makes it very hard when I’m trying to read a passage and I’m think how mom will react if I do badly.

I care too much about her feelings because they scare me, terrify is a better word. It took her about a day to process I got a score of 400 last time I took the GMAT. The night after I took the exam and told her my score after she squeezed it out of me, she began asking me questions I can’t even answer like what were the questions and what did they ask in the verbal section.

I DON’T KNOW!!!

It’s a computer adaptive test, everyone has different questions. I made the mistake of believing that was the end. Then the next day, it was like a bomb explosion. She started telling me I’m dumb, useless, worthless and all those things a person should never hear.

Last week, after I registered for the test, she told me to study but wound up calling me every 5 minutes asking me to do this and that. Even yesterday after I specifically told her I’m taking a practice test, she still called me during the test. I got a 490, the same score as two months ago when I took the practice test the first time. I feel doomed. All I need is 10 or 20 more points to get into the program, is that so hard to ask?

My anxiety turned into anger and frustration last night at dinner because of this conversation.

Mom: I found out you don’t need take the GMAT to be an accountant. Getting a Master Degree is useless unless you want to become a professor.

Me (blinking and jaw-dropped): What?

Mom: My friend’s daughter just took some classes at a community college and passed the first part of the CPA exam and just like that, she got a job. So just get through the exam and if you don’t pass, just study for the CPA exam.

Can you see why I’m angry? Why couldn’t she tell me this before I spent $650 to take a GMAT prep course and $250 to register the exam? And how about at the beginning of the summer? I paid for all of it myself.

Doesn’t she know it took me 6 months to save $900?

My bank account was practically empty after paying $2000 in taxes, investing $1000 on a terrible stock, and paying another $500 to self-employment taxes, not to mention the entire reason I failed to get a better paying job this summer was because I had to spend day and night studying for this damn exam!

Just like that, she has once again ruined my entire summer.

Still though I have to pass, because I know how she’ll react if I don’t. I know my last two weeks of summer will be hell if I don’t pass.

So I’m trying something new, MEDITATION. According to some research I did on Google, it says it can improve my focus and reduce my anxiety. The thing is I’m not sure how to meditate. I mean every time I close my eyes and try to clear my head, there’s always something bugging me. 

Any suggestions to help me calm my nerves and help me focus?

15 thoughts on “The Day Before…”

  3. My goodness, that is a lot of pressure. Try this, think of someone you or even not know. they’d give a hug and, say its all right.

    Then think or browse songs by “title” see what vibes it gives you. Find some that seems written just for you. Uplifting

    Some days cant help saying stuff like this, However. Odd, odd i know but here is a hug for you.

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  4. Meditation is good for clearing out all those negative voices out of your head. I went through a similar test and costs, very nerve wracking. Felt full of self-doubt and worthlessness fearing I’d fail.

    Here is what I told myself to put me in a better state of mind, my mantra, “Be in the moment, Be here, Be in the moment.”

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  5. Meditation – you could try concentrating on one part of your body and then moving your concentration down to your extremities, almost like your “concentration” is an actual thing. I’m not explaining this very well 😦
    You also need to close out the world, detach almost, no sights and no sounds. And no mother 🙂 If that doesn’t work you can try relaxing music, but you need to be concentrating inside yourself really, not on music. At least that’s what I’ve found. For myself, music can be relaxing but it’s not the same as meditating. But everyone’s different. Music might work for you.

    Good luck with the exam 🙂

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    1. Meditation is difficult in the beginning, I’ve been told. I’m also trying hypnosis, seems to work just a little. I just need to concentrate and be consistent with the methods but you’re right. It’s different for everyone, some takes longer. Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂

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  7. Meditation is good. Some people drink, or get high… maybe not so good before an exam. I prefer to run — sometimes until I’m about to drop. It’s a good meditation, and the runner’s-high doesn’t leave me with a hangover. 😉

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    1. I wish I can run but bad feet, they hurt like hell. Meditation is definitely good for before the exam but I did awful anyway. Oh well, I’ll just have to find another path now. Not the end of the world. Thanks for reading.

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