I feel so conflicted


I feel so conflicted at times when someone reminds me that I’m a grown woman and don’t need permission from anyone to leave the house or go do the things I like, except somehow I do.

Two Saturdays ago, I spent the day running from store to store to help my aunt pick out a cordless vacuum. The vacuum was for my uncle and his wife. I don’t know why they don’t go pick it out themselves and why they’re making it my aunt and my responsibility. “You can read English and can tell me the features of the vacuum cleaner.” My aunt told me.

What a load of baloney crap! I thought. Doesn’t my uncle have a son? Didn’t he claim to know English too?

That occupied my entire Saturday afternoon when I could’ve stayed home to read a book or write or better yet, go somewhere else than big-chain stores. Upon coming home late in the afternoon, mom started giving me tasks. Do this, do that. “Give me a break, will ya?” I said, irritated. Unlike the others who had lunch prepared for them during the minutes between running from store to store, I did not have time to eat. “If it were for your family,” I continued, “I would’ve gone some place I wanted like eagle-watching.” February is Bald Eagle season in Utah.

“You could’ve gone and declined to help them.” Mom replied.

Yeah right, I thought while mentally letting out a Ha. Since when could I successfully get out of the house and go out and do something other than work? I wanted to get some groceries for myself, mom said, “don’t buy anymore food, the fridge’s stuffed.” The freezer’s stuffed with maybe a few dozen of shrimps but nonetheless, there’s hardly anything I like in there.

I want to go hiking, mom said, “It’s too cold to hike. Besides, my back’s killing me.” I’m not telling you to come with me, I tell her, she diverts to another topic.

One day last summer, when mom’s friend came to visit and asked mom to spend a day with her, I figured, it was my day to get away. I told her I would go hiking while she was out with her friend. Still, when I got down the mountain and found 10 missed calls from my family, everyone scolded me for going into the wilderness without telling anyone. “How dare you go off to the mountains?” Mom scolded. I told her where I was going, didn’t I?

“You should’ve known better than go places by yourself,” My aunt said.

“I’m a nearly-30-year-old adult, not a child.” I snapped.

Can you see why I’m conflicted? People say I’m an adult and don’t need permission to do things, but when I go to my favorite spots to seek solitude, I get scolded afterwards.

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