I thought I would be okay now that the nightmares have subsided. I thought I would be okay to drive to my doctor appointment on Friday (two days from now).

Maybe not because I find myself stressing out just to step into the garage. I can’t even go into the garage to retrieve some insect powder for the garage. For some reason, every time I put the thought of “go to the garage” in my head, my brain would automatically override the thought with another like “walk 1000 steps” or “watch TV”.

I have already reschedule the appointment for next Thursday and part of me want so much to reschedule Friday’s appointment. You can’t, a voice says firmly. Friday’s appointment is a dietitian/counseling appointment and I need to talk to somebody who understands what I’m going through. Maybe then I can have the strength to get back on the road.

Curiously, I googled “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms” and one of the symptom that came up was “avoidance” and it includes:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

I remember when I went grocery shopping with mom on Sunday. It took all my strength to hurl myself into the garage and into my mom’s car. The house key was in my pocket and when we returned, I entered the house through the front door instead of the garage.

My mom didn’t understand this. She doesn’t understand I can’t stand to look at my car – the missing fender, the hole in the door, all of it. She doesn’t understand about PTSD.

I have been in accidents before, none was my fault, but I couldn’t recall having such a strong reaction as this time. I was able to step into the garage. I was able to get in the car and get back on the road. Why is it so hard this time?

Meanwhile, mom isn’t making this easy. Not only does she keeps talking about it, she’s saying it’s my fault that I got into an accident which prevented us from taking a trip to Cheyenne, Wyoming last weekend and possibly any trip in the future because of the deficit I’ve spent on getting the car fixed.

She also wants me to call the auto body shop and ask them to give me a quote to add blind spot detection to my mirrors. I don’t see why I need it. It was never a problem and I don’t want it to be another crutch for me to rely on. To be honest, I hate all the gadgets cars have these days and I’m glad my car doesn’t have features like lane departure and blind spot detection because it makes us more distracted and reliant on these feature instead of focusing on the road and drive.

I emailed the person who did the quote for my repairs but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet and I doubt he will. His business card is in my car and given my current dilemma, I don’t know how I can retrieve it.

13 thoughts on “Avoidance

    1. Not really, no one in the family understand mental health and any sort of psychological stress. I would go see a psychologist but I’d have to drive. I do hope this will go away, hopefully by Friday because I hope to keep my appointment and talk to my dietitian about this.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Speaking from experience, I don’t think it’s the memory of the accident that triggers the PTSD but the debilitating “what ifs.” If I had only driven in this lane. Or would it have happened if I left at another time instead? It doesn’t help that your mom won’t relent in putting all the blame on you. She’s only making it worse. There’s only so much a person can take. Maybe there’s some kind of online therapy you could try? Better help is one I hear about a lot. Don’t know how expensive it is though

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You will be fine. Breathe. I know the feeling, but I am probably older than your mom. I actually have impaired vision. I have depth perception issues. I am either miles from the next car when I think I am close. It’s okay for where I live, but I can’t drive into the city. I liked the advice of a meme I saw, pretend you are Batman. I pretend I’m invisible. It works well enough. Good luck for Friday. You will be fine. It’s a decision you make. Just say it. I will be fine. One inch at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know the reason you are feeling what is most certainly PTSD. I also know that there is a lot of online therapy just as there is basic medical care. You can talk to me if you want. Zoom works just I great.

    Liked by 1 person

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