Are you a people pleaser?

I am trying to be less of a people pleaser. I’m blaming my curse – people pleasing – on my upbringing especially during the years when every event left a crater-size impression in my memory. I am talking about ages 7-10 when my status of being homeless and having a home were dependent on people pleasing. It was the time I could be innocently punished for eating too slow. I could be asked to packed and moved to another relative’s home without much notice, simply because my uncle wasn’t happy of my presence.

Having those things constantly dangle over my head shaped who I am and I can’t imagine the person I’d become if I didn’t have to go through that. That’s definitely one of the many downsides of being a people pleaser – constantly having things dangle over your head like live bait when people take advantage of your people pleasing quality.

Being a people pleaser makes caring about myself and knowing my needs extremely difficult because my default is to always think of others first.

Yesterday, I got a haircut for my upcoming trip. I decided to go short for the summer. The lady at the salon was incredibly patient – spending over an hour to help me create my new do. When I got home, the first thing mom said was, “That’s it? So ugly. Not worth the money.”

Though I knew all along that no matter what kind of haircut I got, she would not like my haircut, hearing her say it made me feel worse than when I told myself mentally. The whole reason I got my hair cut at a salon was because of her. She was the one who suggested I get a haircut at the salon. After dinner and a shower, when I comfortably settled in my chair, she came into my room and look at my hair. “Oh my God!” She cries, “the back looks crooked and sticking up.”

Before I could object, she was dragging me into the bathroom and began snipping away, evening out the back. When she showed me what she had snipped off, it was just a few dots of hair on her palm. In order to see the unevenness, one would have to stand so close that I can feel their breath on my neck. “I’m trying to prevent embarrassment when you go into work on Wednesday.”

Help me? Or humiliate me because she didn’t like the haircut?

The moment I returned to my room to start cleaning my camera lenses was when the tantrum started. It was like a bomb going off. She started screaming non-sense and told me I must pay back every cent she paid on the trip.

I should’ve known. I didn’t want to go on the trip. I’ve been saying no since the beginning of the year but only saying yes to please her and because one can only be called “stupid for not going on an all-paid trip” so many times before throwing in the towel.

Is this what I will have to look forward to on the trip? If it is, I’d rather stay home.

#SundayPoser