I have been having repeat episodes of feeling like I am missing out on life lately.

It began a few weeks ago when my mom told me there’s a girl next door in her brother’s house. She’s my cousin’s new girlfriend after he divorced his wife of 2 years. She was his high school classmate in China and it’s possible she will be his second wife. Him being the youngest in the family and the first to get married made me a little jealous. I’m the oldest of the three, shouldn’t I had been first?

Then a few days ago, I found out from my mom that my other cousin’s also getting married. If you think I’d be invited to either wedding, I’m not.

Knowing the news made me feel like a loser. Does everyone have a life except me? The one who has to carry a house loan and the financial burden like utility bills and insurance for my mom and aunt? The one who has to put up with a bunch of aging adults? Am I the loser of the bunch?

I also found out my mom is imminently heading for retirement (like within the next 12 months) after getting into another argument at last week. That’s two in the last month. How much longer she’ll last, whoever knows.

To many people, retirement may signal the start of one’s golden years, but it triggered something in me, something like FOMO (fear of missing out) as I would feel when someone brings up the issue of mortality. To me, one’s retirement feels like the end of another chapter in life and the start of possibly the final chapter. Her talking about retirement made me feel like I need to spend as much time with her as I can.

Honestly though, I am not looking forward to her retirement. Her retirement means she will be home all the time, interrupting my meetings. Last Friday, she got off work early and decided to interrupt me during my meetings, twice, even when my door was closed.

Yes, she knocked but then she waltzed right in anyway. If I did that during her meeting, I would get a lecture afterward. I had to go online and buy a “Do not Disturb” sign for the door right after the meeting, though I doubt it will work.

Over the weekend, she’s started planning for travel, including a month in China, which she’s demanding I join her. She said I have to go see my maternal grandpa (her dad) at least one last time and she wants to throw me a 35th birthday bash.

Suddenly, the feeling of FOMO returned, not fearing of not spending enough time with my mom but seeing my grandfather for the last time. I’ve never been fond of him as he’s always favored my male cousins over me. The last time I saw him was 8 years ago, we barely said two words to each other. I don’t think grunting is how he would greet my cousins, only to me. So, I’m not sure what I would achieve to see him again.