Lately, I don’t know, I feel tired, headachy, and most of all, I don’t feel like working in school as a language tutor anymore. All I want to do was to stay home. At my work, I feel like I am constantly explaining stupid everyday concept and kindergarten words to my nincompoop group of students who understand no English other than your basic curse words. In these recent couple of weeks, I feel like my ability to spell words off the top of my head has declined. A lot of words just doesn’t seem to register in my head anymore. I even find myself to have to look up words like “nincompoop” just to write this post.
A lot of times in these recent couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a foreign country all over again, sort of like when I first got here but now, it’s quite the opposite. Instead of the United States, I feel like I’ve gone back to China. No one speaks English around here. Not at school, not at home, nowhere! Everyone speaks Chinese and my mom’s emphasis on me refreshing my Chinese is outrageous. It makes me want to scream, “This is the U.S, everyone should speak English.”
Anyway, yesterday, I found myself stuttering to get through a message telling the county appraiser that our tenant is available Monday. I had no idea what to say as if I couldn’t find the words that fit into my mouth. It was like the oddest feeling in the world, almost like I’ve forgotten how to speak English. I started thinking. Could my English really be declining, downgrading below the college level? Is it possible that a person could lose one language when they learn another like I lose my Chinese when I learned English?
I think the most apparent sign is that I am struggling to write a fluid dialog for my series of fiction. I don’t think I’m experiencing writer’s block, no, I think my English is most likely going down. I’m afraid. I want so much to emerge myself into an English speaking society but my Chinese root always seemed to be in my way, blocking me. I swear that I promise myself that I’m going to get out of this comfortable yet hole I’m in the moment I graduate. Jeez, now my graduation feels like worlds away.