So Now What?

Published on by Yinglan

So I spent about 4 hours in a cubicle yesterday, taking the GMAT, and I did abysmal. I did even worse than when I took the practice. I don’t know why. The questions are certainly not harder than the practice test. Maybe I was never meant to go for a Master degree. Maybe the test is rigged so that people like me will never do well enough to fulfill the wish of making our parent(s) proud.

Mom was surprisingly cool although not before she asked those stupid irritating questions. Why did you do this bad? What was the test like? How come the score is so low?

I don’t know, I don’t know, and I DON’T KNOW!!!!

After that, she began re-sketching my future as if I don’t know how to plan my own future. According to her, I am now no longer going for the Master. I am now going for the CPA license even though I do NOT have a degree in Accounting. So after two years and all the money spent to prepare as well as taking this stupid exam the first time, it was all for nothing. Even she, no longer have the desire the GMAT herself after spending $250 for registration and $150 extension fee twice. That is $550!

She’s registered to take her GMAT on the 26th of September. She’s planning on bombing it, I can tell. She doesn’t even try to study it, not even after she spent so much money buying Chinese GMAT prep books. All she does is whine to me about the house still no yet rented out and watch old Chinese movies all day. How about spending that time to actually read some English stuff?

What a role model, right?! Giving up without even trying while throwing me one excuse after another. I don’t have time. It’s too hard. I can’t see. I can’t read fast enough. Boo hoo! Am I supposed to feel sorry? What about all the frustration you’ve cause me?! If I’m some weaker person, I would’ve jump off of a freeway bridge and let a truck run me over.

My other path is to try again and trust me, that is the last thing I want. If I have to look at another data sufficiency question, I am going to scream. If I have to read another passage about two historians debating over women’s rights in the Renaissance or an economic theory from three decades ago, I’m going to scream. If I have to take another timed test, I am definitely going to scream.

So now what?

I don’t have a decent job that’ll actually help me to move out. I barely have a degree. I feel hopeless and helpless. Is it my destiny is to live with mom forever and hope that one day, she’ll successfully buy a gun, get so angry that she’ll shoot me in the head?

Why? Why does life always have to throw so many curve balls? Why can’t I just get the things I want for a change?

31 thoughts on “So Now What?”

  1. Omg good luck ❤ being an Asian (Indian) I get the gist. ESPECIALLY the part about bombing the entrance tests. Lord knows how much cash I've wasted just to sit and stare at a paper for three freakin hours. Hope it goes alright mate 🙂 cheers. 🙂

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  2. A good friend also just recently took that test and did exactly the opposite of how he expected: well on the verbal part (which he hates) and bad on the numeracy part. Maybe it’s partly luck which questions they give you on the day. He’s going to try one more time and then just submit the score as it is to the Masters program and see if he gets accepted or not, because sometimes they base it on other things too. If you really want to do the Masters, still apply for it, or if you can afford to do the test again, don’t give up, maybe you will do better next time! If not, maybe you’ll find a career/job option that doesn’t need GMAT. Good luck!

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    1. On the contrary, I did fair on the math portion but horrible on verbal. I just hate reading those boring articles about meaningless subjects. Not only they bore me to tears, they waste so much of my time. I think, no I know it’s luck that they just happen to present the hard questions to get the higher score and the easy questions to get the lower score. Unfortunately though, me getting into the Masters program depend on this single test and this test only. There’s no other way. So maybe I should just focus on finding a job before I decide whether taking the GMAT one more time would be a viable option. Thank you for reading.

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  5. What is the purpose? There are so many roads to take in life. Some lead to the same place, while others take you on a grand adventure that leads you to a place you never new existed! Take time out to enjoy life, learn some new things about yourself, regroup, and try again.
    Love and Light to you!

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  6. True Story:
    In a large theater-style classroom, a professor pick ME out of 80 or so students to answer a question. What was the question? doesn’t matter, could have been anything

    I shook my head and said, “I don’t know.”

    “You know why you don’t know?” he replied back- I was expecting him to say “cause you didn’t study.” He continued with his answer, “Because I asked you.”

    In that brief moment of fear and anxiety and everything else in the world, my brain became blocked and everything went out the door.

    He was right.

    Don’t take another test, don’t study for another week. Just stop it, live a little, have fun doing what ever makes you happy. Smile and BREATH.

    No one died.

    No one will die.

    Go back in a month, do an online practice test without studying….you should do fine or at least better. Sign up for another test and don’t study for 2 days before it take it again.

    FYI- the professor I mentioned above? he was a brilliant teacher who had been institutionalized a few times in the 70’s. Being crazy, he knows about. Staying sane was his goal. Keeping students on an even keel- he made it his mission.

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    1. Well, that’s a rude professor.
      I think as right as you are about going back in a month to try again, I don’t think I can. Tests make me incredibly anxious and after two tries, it just feels like I’m destined to fail. So maybe tests just aren’t meant for me.

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      1. The professor was not rude at all, he wanted to point out that stress caused me to blank out. FYI- He also told me I clutter my mind with useless information…..also very true! hahahaha

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  7. Well, after all the efforts you put in and expectations that frustrated you to your saturation Point, it is fairly justified to whine and feel lost and disgusted. But now, why are you even letting your mom re sketch your future? Why not do it for yourself?
    This is one of the bad times but Isn’t rising above all the crap, the only solution to every problem?
    Take your own sweet time to analyse and curse everything that exists around you. But when you are done, get up and make awesome things happen to yourself. I am sure you’ll think of something. You are stronger than this.

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    1. I want to take control of my future, I really do but at the same time, my mom is a scary woman. One disagreement can spark an argument and that spark will get bigger and bigger until it becomes an explosion. My boss thinks she’s sabotaging my future so that I’ll stay with her forever. I don’t think he’s wrong.
      I think that’s why she had chose to disrupt my studying. She doesn’t want me to leave her and I get that but I also know that some day, a mother has to let her baby go.
      That’s why after a day’s thinking, I’ve planned another path without her knowledge. I hope it works. It’s feeling uncertain at the moment. So I’ll just cross my fingers.

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      1. Mothers are selfish when it comes to keeping their babies close. But she doesn’t want you to lose out on your life, take my word on that one!
        I’m glad you chose your path. But just to be away from her? Really?
        I do not like this, sorry.
        Ofcourse you should do what’s best for you, move away from her if it requires so. But who is your boss to talk you into something against your mother?
        Has he seen all the sacrifices your mom made for you?
        Let explosions happen. But let her be a part of it. She deserves this.
        Lastly, She loves you and come what may, do not let this issue mess the relationship you people share. As they say, it is family that stays.
        Good luck sweetness 🙂

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      2. I don’t want to be away from her either but it’ll be temporary and it’ll be for the best. After all, we’ve been together for 20-some years. I just need a break, that’s all, to be able to discover and reach my goals as well as fulfilling my dreams.
        Let the explosion happen? Even if it’ll bring me a lot of misery? Because the explosion I’m talking about? It’s all her. She has quite a temper. So she doesn’t need to be a part of it, she is the explosion and I’m the victim. I’m sorry but I refuse to stand in the way of her bullying. That’s one of the reasons I have to leave. I’ve taken too much bullying and I’m done. We both need to take a calm breath and call it a respite.

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  8. Sorry about the test scores…take some time to settle your mind, get refreshed, and charge ahead to the next stage…I’m sure you will figure out what’s best for your future plans 🙂

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  9. Yinglan, are you still in Toastmasters? If so you will probably understand this. When I give a speech I write it out go over it until I know it well then basically put it aside for several hours before speaking. I read it over once when the time is near then go for it. Do I get tense? Yes, but as soon as I get past the first sentence, I love it! The relaxed time is imperative to my success. At this time you probably know the content. Just reschedule, relax and go for it. If it doesn’t work there are other ways to use your talents. Maybe it would help to go to a career counselor. Many churches have free counseling services. You have lots of us rooting for you.

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    1. Thanks, Oneta, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I do feel the same thing every time I give a speech. But I’m not sure if taking tests is the same thing, at least to me, it’s not. I may need a career counselor, maybe that’s all I need but at the current time, I think I first need to find a way out of my current environment.

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  10. Glad you’re venting here, and not on a freeway. Don’t ever let yourself go down that route of thinking. It’s easy for the rotten moments to drown out everything beautiful in a life if you let them distract your attention. You’ve already achieved a great deal. You have plenty of time to accomplish more, as long as you keep moving in a constructive direction. One test score is just that, nothing more.

    I’ll take a chance leaving this in a public venue… When I was about your age, I actually spent an entire day (a birthday) sitting alone at a breakfast table because I was overwhelmed by both college, and the thought that I really didn’t want to spend my whole life doing what I was preparing myself to do. And that was just a preface to the moral-injury of a terrible career choice. I actually left the country entirely for about five-years, and didn’t return until I was well into my thirties. But as it turned out, nothing I did was a waste.

    Life is full of wrong-turns, disappointments and surprises — some good, some not-so-good. But I just recently commented to a friend that if at any age ending with a “5” someone told me what I’d being doing in ten-years, I would have thought they were crazy. Each decade, however, has offered new opportunities and been increasingly rewarding. I now know things about myself and my place in the world that I couldn’t even have fathomed in my twenties. And now that I’m well into “middle-age,” I’d frankly never want to go back to that time. You don’t realize it when you’re young, but the world offers many, many ways in which to find meaning in life.

    You have a beautiful soul. Nurture it. Grow it. Treasure it!

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  11. This is what I hate about Asian parents especially Mom. I wouldn’t say that they are bad moms but typically very education oriented with scores which is one of the reasons I hate school and reading.

    Kids nowadays are starting to follow the trend of carrying heavy bags full of books with no childhood at all. They are going to be the future of robot not technology LOL

    I could understand your frustation of probably competing with scores and your mom would compare them with the others. But one should understand that having high scores WILL NOT guarantee his or her future. It will increase the chance but of course along with the other like social skills and luck.

    If you have a dream or any other means to work for money, for sure higher score will not guarantee that the higher your score get will get you more. The more I see people with so bookish oriented the more I dislike their way of thinking. I know every people have their own goals in life but this is one of my opinion towards getting high score in education.

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    1. I’m actually not as frustrated with my test score as this screwed up path my mom has placed me on. The worst part of this was I’ve never had any say in this because every time I tried to speak up, she’d say I’m making excuses for myself. But you’re right, test score isn’t everything and everyone has their individual goals and dreams to follow. Thank you for reading.

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  12. Hang in there… I always do awful on timed tests. I focus so much on the time that I can’t even think straight. They should just do away with those timed tests altogether and let people have the time they need to think properly. As much as you studied, I can’t see why you would have done bad. The tests are rigged… that’s all there is to it. I hope you can figure out what to do next, sounds like you are having a tough time and I hate to see my friends suffer. Go up to Mt. Zion and take some time for yourself. It will be a chance for you to think quietly by yourself and figure out your future. Take care my friend and don’t lose heart. 😉

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