I’ve been feeling very pessimistic lately. I have tried summoning my sun-shiny optimistic self but failed in the process.
Honestly, I feel like nothing is nor can it go right at the moment. I want this weekend to never come even though I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for the past two months. I need every moment so I can have more time to re-write my admission essay for business school for the fourth time. Yes, I finished the essay but I’m not happy with it. Something just doesn’t feel right about it.
I haven’t read a single book other than my textbook nor had my creative juices been flowing as smoothly as it should. I feel like a great big stone is in my head and it’s blocking all the thoughts from coming through. I mean I can’t even see my fantasy universe anymore.
There is also something wrong with my head. Mom thinks it’s suffocation. She think because I’m always stuck in the basement, I’m suffocating myself with carbon dioxide. “You’re breathing in all your own exhaust.” She said.
I’m beginning to regret signing up for the trip to Chicago this weekend but at the same time, I really want to go. But really? What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, that’s what. I thought I would have all my classes handled. I guess I’ve overestimated myself just like I’ve underestimated myself at work.
I think I’m letting my mom’s horrifying words poison my confidence. Or is it just my fear of failing?
In the last couple of days, I’ve been having non-stop nightmares, the moment I fall asleep to the moment I wake up. I tried to finish the nightmares, hoping to turn it into a dream with a happy ending, and no success.
The nightmares are always about school, about how I failed horribly on a quiz, test, or even homework. I think they’re getting worse. Last night, I dreamed of my professor picking on me to describe the facts and rules of a court case which I had no idea what it was about. The night before was the discovery that I had yet failed another exam.
Little by little, I’m growing terrified. What if my nightmares come true? What if I really will fail my classes this semester?