What if…


I’ve been feeling very pessimistic lately. I have tried summoning my sun-shiny optimistic self but failed in the process.

Honestly, I feel like nothing is nor can it go right at the moment. I want this weekend to never come even though I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for the past two months. I need every moment so I can have more time to re-write my admission essay for business school for the fourth time. Yes, I finished the essay but I’m not happy with it. Something just doesn’t feel right about it.

I haven’t read a single book other than my textbook nor had my creative juices been flowing as smoothly as it should. I feel like a great big stone is in my head and it’s blocking all the thoughts from coming through. I mean I can’t even see my fantasy universe anymore.

There is also something wrong with my head. Mom thinks it’s suffocation. She think because I’m always stuck in the basement, I’m suffocating myself with carbon dioxide. “You’re breathing in all your own exhaust.” She said.

I’m beginning to regret signing up for the trip to Chicago this weekend but at the same time, I really want to go. But really? What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, that’s what. I thought I would have all my classes handled. I guess I’ve overestimated myself just like I’ve underestimated myself at work.

I think I’m letting my mom’s horrifying words poison my confidence. Or is it just my fear of failing?

In the last couple of days, I’ve been having non-stop nightmares, the moment I fall asleep to the moment I wake up. I tried to finish the nightmares, hoping to turn it into a dream with a happy ending, and no success.

The nightmares are always about school, about how I failed horribly on a quiz, test, or even homework. I think they’re getting worse. Last night, I dreamed of my professor picking on me to describe the facts and rules of a court case which I had no idea what it was about. The night before was the discovery that I had yet failed another exam.

Little by little, I’m growing terrified. What if my nightmares come true? What if I really will fail my classes this semester?

23 thoughts on “What if…

  1. I know it’s hard to think optimistic now so I wouldn’t tell you to. But when you think things might end up wrongly just remember this quote- “what If I fall; oh darling, what if you fly… ” ❤

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      1. I have been were you are. Studied a lot, worked a lot. There comes a point when you are burned out and overwhelmed. Some days away, or just a day for yourself -doing what you want to do- can help you a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! You sound stressed to the max. It also sounds like you need some processing time to gain perspective again. When the brains on overload a break is often needed for it to catch up with itself. Chicago might be just the thing. You never know.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. School is important and can be very beneficial but at the same time, I truly don’t believe it is for everyone. Maybe that’s something to consider. And as far as the paper goes and re-writing it over and over – have you asked a few people to read it? Sometimes having a few suggestions/edits made my someone else can really get it going in the right direction.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have considered it. None of the people in my dad’s family went to College and so far in my mom’s family, the only one who went to college is my mom and my mom doesn’t really listen to reasons. So what can I do? As for the paper, my mom promised to look it over for me.

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  4. I’m thinking you definitely need this Chicago trip. It will be a good break from things at home, and school worries. You’ll be enjoying yourself, and that refreshes you. When you get back, maybe you can see things more clearly. I wish you lots of fun on your trip! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I need the trip too but I don’t think I can steer my head away from school during the trip since my audit instructor had assigned us homework which is due on the night of my return. I will have to complete as much as I can before this trip if I truly want to have fun. *sigh*

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  5. It is perfectly normal to feel a bit like this once the end of a semester looms, but I will offer a very simple bit of advice my father gave. “On the front the Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy written in large pink friendly letters are the words Don’t Panic.” Although you are worried about Chicago it may well be the break you need to freshen up.

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