#WeekendCoffeeShare: On the Edge

Good morning and welcome back. It’s a lovely day today? The weatherman predicted it’s gonna be abnormally warm this weekend. So take off that coat and join me for some breakfast. If you want something sweet, I got that covered too with my sourdough brownies.

Don’t worry, it’s not sour at all. Sourdough starter is just used in place of baking powder and baking soda for leavening. It’s quite rich. I might had overdosed it with chocolate.

Am I talking a little fast? Sorry, it must be the caffeine. I’ve been needing quite a bit this week as I haven’t been sleeping well. I don’t know whether it’s my brain or the stress of work and family. I had been having strange dreams, you see, no, it’s more like nightmares, the ones that makes me leap out of bed at 4 AM thinking it’s daytime.

Like the other night, I dreamed my house had caught on fire and the flames were creeping up to my room. It was so real – all the details, the sights, smell – it was like I was experiencing it. “Oh my God!” I remember shouting, leaping out of bed, and running to my bedroom door, preparing to yank open my bedroom when I suddenly realized it was a dream and my house was not on fire. I was safe.

It took a while for my heart to slow the drumming and by the time I finally fell back asleep, Mom was beating on my door, shouting to get up and work. It was barely 7 AM.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I leapt out of bed almost every night this past week. Maybe I’m on the precipice of having a mental meltdown.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I accomplished quite a bit this week. I took Mom to the hospital to her colonoscopy and EGD appointment, helped my aunt filled out the 2021 W4 form (tax deduction form to tell the government how much taxes to take from paycheck), and get her car fixed (she wanted me to fix the car but I’m no car mechanic even though I know the basic mechanics of an automobile). All the while keeping my work inbox from overflowing with emails and finishing my tasks on time.

It wasn’t easy. Some days were easy and some were hard. Some days, I would find myself completing one task after another while there were days with moments when I was clutching my head in my hands, my heart thudding hard in my chest while I struggled to breathe as if all the air had suddenly been sucked out of my lungs. This happened whenever I was trying to get things done while other stuff – emails, one after another, would filed in, family members would call, text, holler, and ding my doorbell, needing my help.

They don’t go to Mom when they need help anymore. Nope, they come straight to me. Dead car battery? No worries, their niece (me) can drop whatever she’s doing and drive over to jump start the car. Need to call roadside service? Oh, the niece can do it. She can do anything.

“I’m no superhuman,” I shouted at Mom one night when she wanted to me to do something when all I wanted to do was watch TV and decompress. Can you see? I wanted to say. I’m someone on the edge of a meltdown.

It didn’t do any good. Mom had begun telling them to go to me for help. “I’m busy!” She’d said. “I have to work. I have a deadline.” Well so do I. I sometimes wonder what will happen if I’m no longer around. If I moved to another state? If pass away suddenly? I’d bet they will handle everything just fine.

I know many suggested to move out but with the housing market right now, my budget is already stretched tight with a $1000 mortgage and last time I checked, even the worst studio apartments are leasing at $1,500 a month nowadays. Even then, I’m positive they’ll still come to me for help. I think the temporary solution for now is to practice journaling, meditation, and just remember to breathe before reaching the stage of hyperventilation.

If we were having coffee, I would thank you for joining me in this edition of #weekendcoffeeshare and hope we’ll both return next week.

17 thoughts on “#WeekendCoffeeShare: On the Edge

  1. Oh YingLan, I don’t think you are on the brink of a meltdown, but I’ll bet you can see it from where you are. I’m going to amen the previous comment from SpiritualJourney17. Lady, you need to say and stand by the word ‘NO’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Perhaps it was a momentary thing.
      Oh, trust me, I have been saying no a lot lately. The thing is, whenever I say no, they will go to my mom who will throw a tantrum before teaming up with them to convince me to help them. It feels impossible to me. Maybe I need to be like my mom??? Maybe I’m not nice??? Maybe I give in too easily??? But I need an alternative to saying no because that will just turn an army of one to an army of two or more…


      1. I bet you are one strong woman, but family is very hard to say no to. I do wish I had some insight, some clever words to ease this burden for you, but I don’t. We all have to do our best with what we have to work with and that includes managing our own family sometimes, which is never going to be easy unless you completely escape them but life without our family also has a cost. Sigh,
        Here’s to a continued search for wisdom and strength.
        Have a wonderful week YingLan.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, the housing in Utah has been going up in recent years. I apartment-hunted for a while and even the ones with old ugly carpets and old-style heating and cooling would be around $900 a month. This was about 3 years ago. I’d imagine it’s way up now. Even the price on my house has gone up by almost 200k since 2017.


      1. Oh wow I would guess maybe $1500 month for an old poorly maintained apartment by now. Honestly, I do think that the people who come from expensive states play major factor in jacking up the price. Living in Los Angeles, there were some cheaper neighborhoods but the transplants who moved to work in the entertainment industry or tech have moved in changing the demographics of that neighborhood. Effectively, the prices have changed too. The funny thing is those same people are moving out of LA and California altogether for a cheaper state.. I assume they moved out because it has been crazy expensive lately. We’ve been tempted to move to a cheaper state because the home prices are more attractive, but we came to realize that it may do more harm for the locals who also want to buy a home too. I mean we already have a home in Los Angeles — it’s our best asset.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Even since the creation of the Silicon Slope (Utah’s Silicon Valley), there has been more and more Californians moving to Utah, inflating the housing market. It’s been said for several years that there’s a housing shortage here. My mom used to rent her house out and most of her potential tenants are from California.


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