Good morning and welcome back. It’s a lovely day today? The weatherman predicted it’s gonna be abnormally warm this weekend. So take off that coat and join me for some breakfast. If you want something sweet, I got that covered too with my sourdough brownies.
Don’t worry, it’s not sour at all. Sourdough starter is just used in place of baking powder and baking soda for leavening. It’s quite rich. I might had overdosed it with chocolate.
Am I talking a little fast? Sorry, it must be the caffeine. I’ve been needing quite a bit this week as I haven’t been sleeping well. I don’t know whether it’s my brain or the stress of work and family. I had been having strange dreams, you see, no, it’s more like nightmares, the ones that makes me leap out of bed at 4 AM thinking it’s daytime.
Like the other night, I dreamed my house had caught on fire and the flames were creeping up to my room. It was so real – all the details, the sights, smell – it was like I was experiencing it. “Oh my God!” I remember shouting, leaping out of bed, and running to my bedroom door, preparing to yank open my bedroom when I suddenly realized it was a dream and my house was not on fire. I was safe.
It took a while for my heart to slow the drumming and by the time I finally fell back asleep, Mom was beating on my door, shouting to get up and work. It was barely 7 AM.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you I leapt out of bed almost every night this past week. Maybe I’m on the precipice of having a mental meltdown.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you I accomplished quite a bit this week. I took Mom to the hospital to her colonoscopy and EGD appointment, helped my aunt filled out the 2021 W4 form (tax deduction form to tell the government how much taxes to take from paycheck), and get her car fixed (she wanted me to fix the car but I’m no car mechanic even though I know the basic mechanics of an automobile). All the while keeping my work inbox from overflowing with emails and finishing my tasks on time.
It wasn’t easy. Some days were easy and some were hard. Some days, I would find myself completing one task after another while there were days with moments when I was clutching my head in my hands, my heart thudding hard in my chest while I struggled to breathe as if all the air had suddenly been sucked out of my lungs. This happened whenever I was trying to get things done while other stuff – emails, one after another, would filed in, family members would call, text, holler, and ding my doorbell, needing my help.
They don’t go to Mom when they need help anymore. Nope, they come straight to me. Dead car battery? No worries, their niece (me) can drop whatever she’s doing and drive over to jump start the car. Need to call roadside service? Oh, the niece can do it. She can do anything.
“I’m no superhuman,” I shouted at Mom one night when she wanted to me to do something when all I wanted to do was watch TV and decompress. Can you see? I wanted to say. I’m someone on the edge of a meltdown.
It didn’t do any good. Mom had begun telling them to go to me for help. “I’m busy!” She’d said. “I have to work. I have a deadline.” Well so do I. I sometimes wonder what will happen if I’m no longer around. If I moved to another state? If pass away suddenly? I’d bet they will handle everything just fine.
I know many suggested to move out but with the housing market right now, my budget is already stretched tight with a $1000 mortgage and last time I checked, even the worst studio apartments are leasing at $1,500 a month nowadays. Even then, I’m positive they’ll still come to me for help. I think the temporary solution for now is to practice journaling, meditation, and just remember to breathe before reaching the stage of hyperventilation.
If we were having coffee, I would thank you for joining me in this edition of #weekendcoffeeshare and hope we’ll both return next week.