Mixed Bag of Thoughts

Photo by Lux Graves on Unsplash

Thought #1

I probably slept more last weekend than I had in a long time.

I still experience the burning numbing pain in my right hand but I was so tired I slept through it. I didn’t even know there was so much sleep left in me. It’s probably been building up for quite a while.

Thought #2

My brain has been sending mix messages of late and I am getting muddled of who I should trust. The other night, Mom said, “Look at how good God is to you, he knew you’re in need of money, so he gave you tons of overtime.”

Part of my brain robotically thought, “I am grateful for overtime,” while another part of me thought, “you’re tired. You need to take care of yourself. Work as much as you can, don’t force yourself.”

I couldn’t go into further analysis. My brain was already so tired and my brain fog was getting worse. That day, I asked mom the same question twice in a span of 10 minutes. I’m losing it.

Thought #3

There’s been quite a few rainy days lately and it’s given me a brief respite from shoveling rocks in my front yard. The backyard is finished, yay. I should have pictures soon, once the rest is finished as if mom will let me have a day off.

“You’ve got your wish,” she’s been saying ever since the rocks arrived. She hates the rocks. I love it. She hates that it’s so pink and red. She keeps saying they gave me the wrong color, that the rocks should’ve been white, not pink. I want to tell her that’s what she’d picked and that she’s mistaken for another collection.

I quite like these rocks. From afar, it looks like a bed of Himalayan salt crystals – ginormous crystals, that is.

Thought #4

I recently had a scary dream – a bear gulped down my mother. Immature, yes. I think it means something because I can remember it vividly and I remember my mind was inside the dream for a mighty long time trying to figure it out how it was possible. I wasn’t going to tell anyone about it but keeping it to myself is beginning to feel like a burden.

I already know what mom would say, “Oh, you want me to die, eh? You want to kill me?” She seems to have this notion that I am trying to kill her, not knowing how it makes me feel when she says it.

Do I want her out of my life, even temporarily? Yes.

Do I want her dead? No, never.

Thought #5

I recently watched this video…OMG, it’s like looking in a mirror. I think I am getting to the last step though but it’s going to take time to take there.

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