Good morning! Come pour yourself a cup of whatever suits your fancy and join me for a chat. I’m not sure what I’ll have today. Maybe some Lactose-Free milk?
If we were having coffee, I would tell you I’m still pretty shaken up by what happened on Thursday. My heart rate felt slightly elevated yesterday. Even with a prescription sleep aid and meditation stories that’s designed to help me fall asleep, I still had trouble sleeping on Thursday night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw that semi-trailer slamming into my car. That horrible grinding noise sent a cold chill down my spine. All night long, my brain kept replaying the accident, analyzing it from every angle. Meanwhile, there was also a voice constantly chiming in my head, “Your fault, your fault, your fault.”
I was in an accident on Thursday as I was heading into the mountains for a nice relaxing day in nature. A semi-truck swerved into my lane and the tail-end of its trailer collided with the right side of my car. In my opinion, I doubted the driver of the semi-truck felt a thing and if he/she had, it would’ve been a pretty shitty thing to do to just drive away like that instead of stopping right there and call the police.
Mom’s been saying “you got what you deserved,” for two days now because I didn’t tell her where I was going. Would she had said yes if I told her, “Mom, I’m taking the day off from work and I’m planning to go to Crystal Lake.”
I feel like a dog on a tight leash. I can’t even go get gardening supplies without her sending me on a dozen other errands, there was no way she would’ve allowed me to go into the mountains by myself. I’d bet her response would’ve been, “wait until the weekend and then your aunt, uncle, and we can go together.”
I want to be alone. Can’t she get that? I want to be alone with my thoughts. I don’t want to be tasked with remembering everything like where mom put her keys or how to fix a leaky pipe at my aunt and uncle’s place. My responsibility should be to myself, my house, and my wellbeing.
So my brain’s replaying the accident when I shut my eyes to sleep, trying to analyze the accident from every angle to see if there would’ve been a way my car would come out unscathed. There are none, so far.
If I sped up, trying to pass the truck, there was a possibility the truck, not the trailer would’ve collided into me, and I wouldn’t be sitting here with you today. If I’ve gone to the left a little more, there was the possibility I would be hit by incoming opposing traffic. Either way, it would’ve been infinitely worse.
I don’t think I can look at my car and driving the same way ever again. I’m not even sure I will have the courage and mental strength to tackle driving to work and my appointments this upcoming week. Despite my car’s getting fixed next week, for now, I’ll have to get used to looking at the hole in the door, the mirror nearly dangling in its place, and the missing fender. I guess things could’ve turned out worse.
#weekendcoffeeshare is hosted by Natalie of Natalie the Explorer. I appreciate you stopping by and hope to chat again same time next week.