List of Inner Thoughts


Before you read, please note that I wrote this post last week before I cooled down with a hike. So even though those emotions are still there, I have simmered down just a little now. 

Lately, I’ve been very uncomfortable and irritated. The worst part is I have to wait until the start of the semester to see my therapist and unless there’s a kick-boxing class nearby I can join, I feel like I’m going to blow. Therefore, I decided to unleash my annoyance and irritation here in a list because I’m not sure if I want to write a long essay about my anxiety.

So here I go:

5869011. I’m very annoyed that my mom still treats me like a child like I don’t know anything. She thinks I’m going to make a fool of myself and offend everyone when I go back to China. So she’s constantly giving me pointers of what to say and what not to say, what to eat, what to drink, etc. I’m going to China, not North Korea and these people are my relatives, not a bunch of dictators. I don’t get thrown in jail for saying the wrong thing to my relatives even though I can sometimes be frank and straight but I’m not the kind of person to say anyone’s bad words. She’s like, “don’t talk about the U.S. Don’t talk about China. Don’t talk about politics.” I’m going back to take care of business and have fun. Why would I talk about such things?

2. I’m irritated that my mom thinks working two jobs and going to school full time is not equal to working two jobs and going to school. I hate that she thinks that I don’t work hard. She always claims the universities in the U.S. are easy. Of course, when you have someone doing all the work for you, what’s so hard in an education? She wants me to get a third job, work for the remaining four months before I go back to China and then quit. No one does that and I highly doubt any supervisor are willing to let that happen.

3. I am also irritated by the fact that my mom thinks I think too highly of myself. She said quitting in the middle of a job won’t cause a business to509360 tank even though I’m the one who’s the one paying all the bills and taking care of the finance for the business. Last month, my co-worker forgot to hand me the internet bill and it was overdue. No one saw the bill. No one took care of it. It was left to me. So you see why I’m worried and I am certainly not thinking too highly of himself. I’m merely being responsible. I also think she doesn’t think very highly of me. She wants me to find part-time bookkeeping after graduating or work in customer service for an airline. Why would I work so hard toward a degree if all I’ll do is less than $20/hour work that requires a high school diploma?

4. I’m annoyed because my mom’s back to work. She’s a teacher at a private school this year, teaching five course in two subjects: math and Chinese. I’m annoyed because she has this thing called back-to-work syndrome. It’s some a child going back to school after a long summer She hasn’t had proper work since April and after only a week when proper classes hasn’t even started yet, she’s already complaining, stressed, and demanding my help on everything computer. What will happen will school actually starts on Monday?

2012-08-18-Lions-Binkert-Hike-9870-MKH5. Lastly, I am irritated because my body has betrayed me the entire summer. After my doctor diagnosed me with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, yet another symptom to my ever changing genetic disease two months ago, he prescribed me a birth control pill which ultimately almost caused me to bleed out. It turned out that’s why I was so super tired in June. I’ve developed mild anemia and so far, my body has not recovered to the former glory I was three months ago. I still need frequent naps and I feel lack of strength. Lumps have even developed on my face, making me look like I’ve been in a bar fight. That is the reason I’m going hiking. I have to recover my strength and I’m tired of feeling weak.

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21 thoughts on “List of Inner Thoughts

  1. You certainly seem to be having a lot of annoying things to deal with just lately, don’t you! Life can be very trying! I find being outdoors by myself is the best place to be when everything is annoying me – walking in the woods or working in the garden helps me clear my head. Glad your hike helped a little 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I certainly understand why you would feel this way. I’m glad you’re feeling better after your hike. Your mother doesn’t want to let you grow up and lose her “mother control” over you. I sure hope your health gets better too!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good luck my friend. Hope it all works out. Some great advice a friend who is about 20-years older than me said, you have to live your life for you, not to please your parents. You can respect their opinions but if they get mad or upset, that’s their problem, not yours. You’re an adult and can choose, it’s your life, not theirs. Of course, it’s harder in real life to live this advice, but somehow you have to live a life you love.

    Liked by 1 person

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