Hello, welcome to #weekendcoffeeshare! It’s too bad today is rainy, otherwise, we can enjoy a cup of tea or coffee out in the garden.
Can you believe May is only a week away?
I’m looking forward to it because according to Google, May 3 is the last frost date in my area. This means, though there is still a possibility of a frost, it’s minimal. I think if the temperature falls below 32 degrees-Fahrenheit or 0 degree-Celsius, then Mother Nature is playing a cruel joke on everyone.
Last frost date also means I can finally move some of the plants into the ground instead of letting it occupy my shelves. My summer flowers are definitely ready, so are the beans, summer squashes, and peppers. I might wait one or two week more on the tomatoes since most are still pretty small. Either way, I must clear my shelves in order to have room to start cucumbers, watermelons, and cantaloupes.
I like starting seeds indoors and moving them outdoors when they are a little bigger. It’s a good way to guarantee the seeds will germinate because sometimes, the birds will eat the seed before anything germinates. It’s frustrating when one waits and waits when the seed is long gone.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you I’m finally seeking help. After more than a year of indecisions, I’m finally utilizing the Employee Assistant Program (EAP) provided by my employer to seek counseling.
One of the reasons I didn’t seek counseling sooner is because in-person visit wasn’t offered during the pandemic, only virtual. I wasn’t interested in doing virtual counseling sessions since I don’t have the privacy at home to speak freely and I was (still am) afraid mom would barge in at any moment during one of my meetings. Thankfully, in-person visits are back.
The other reason why I didn’t go get counseling sooner is because I’m skeptical. I had been to counseling before in college for the same reason I’m going now. Both times didn’t help much because both therapists suggested meditation and how I can benefit from it.
The counseling sessions were often spent with eyes closed, trying to picture and focus on a white light in our minds. I felt like the longer I sat there, the more agitated I got.
What’s making me seek counseling is mom’s behavior. I want to be anywhere but my own house these days. When I’m at home, I feel trapped and constantly find myself walking on tip-toes around mom because I don’t know what her moods are like these day.
Last Sunday, while I was taking out the garbage, she grabbed my earbuds out of its box and flung it across the room. When I returned, I found one earbud on the dining room while the other was by the trash can in the kitchen. “You’re lucky it’s your earbuds,” she said, “If I could, I would’ve flung a chair at you head.”
“You crazy bitch!” I wanted to scream but let’s face it, I don’t have the guts. I just picked up the earbuds and ran to my room, slammed the door, and sat with my back against the door since my bedroom door doesn’t have a lock because heaven forbid I should have privacy in my house.
When I returned home from work on Tuesday, before I even walked into the door, she had already started yelling and screaming about a few specks of soil on the top of my digital piano, which I might had accidentally spilled when I watered my plants that morning. “Look at all the dirt!” She screamed. “That’s why my room is so dusty and that’s why I have shingles. It’s the dirt!”
She acted like I had brought home the dust bowl. I don’t know how I’m feeling inside. My brain is completely confused. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, and a bunch of other emotions I can’t even describe. All I can say is next Monday’s counseling session next Monday better not be like the other ones.
I appreciate you stopping by and reading this week’s #weekendcoffeeshare, hope to chat again same time next week.