I am going to pair this week’s Blogging Insights with the Day 11 prompt for Bloganuary. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Blogging Insights: Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Bloganuary: What does it mean to live boldly?
This week’s quote, in my opinion, is the definition of living boldly.
To living boldly is to f*** whatever people say, do whatever feels right to you. It also means to be fearless, careless of what others may say, may judge by one’s decision. Finally, to live boldly is to not wait for the perfect moment, seize the moment at hand and run with it. Also the definition of Carpe Diem.
If you ask if I am living boldly, I would tell you no. If anything, I feel I am living life in a cowardice way. I often write on this blog about how I want to go on adventures, take more photos, spend time alone and yes, I want to do all of those things but I also find immense difficulty just to step out of my front door, especially during the last 3 years after mom’s entire family moved to the U.S.
At any moment of the day, one of the relatives could be phoning me, needing help with something. They never phone my mom because they are afraid of her. Her reactions are unpredictable and explosive, living with her, her moods can shift from calm to calamity in a drop of a hat.
Her behavior and reaction to everything makes me want to hide under a rock despite I am someone who want to live boldly and make every moment count. I can’t do that with someone questioning my every move or interrogate me each time I step outside my own home.
I was also diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD), which is annoying as my brain is constantly conjuring up the worst scenario. Mom doesn’t believe it exists even though my cousin on my father’s side also has GAD. She thinks I can just control it, which is more difficult than anyone thinks.
She thinks I am just allowing myself to be anxious, and there’s actually nothing to be anxious about. What she doesn’t understand is I am not allowing myself to be anxious. My anxiety isn’t something I can control, hence the word, “disorder.”
This blog has been the closest thing to a shield. It’s a relatively judgement-free zone, which has allowed me to share some things I cannot share on any other social media platform. I no longer post on any other social media like Facebook and Instagram because there were too much judgement there and a majority of them sided with my mother’s point-of-view.
Sometimes, when I’m very upset or angry or feeling any kind of strong emotion, because I don’t have anyone to turn to, no one in my reality will ever side with me, I would seize the moment and turn to my blog. It’s my blog where I can truly express my emotions and it’s my blog where I feel safe expressing those emotions.